A study, discussed on CNN recently, catalogues some of the adverse effects of divorce.

“Divorce causes more than bitterness and broken hearts. The trauma of a split can leave long-lasting effects on mental and physical health that remarriage might not repair, according to research released this week.”

Researchers Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago in Illinois, and Mary Elizabeth Hughes, of John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, co-authored their article, published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior. They examined the marital history and health indicators for 8,652 middle-aged people in research funded by the National Institute on Aging.

Among their findings about the consequences of divorce:

• 20% higher chronic health problems (heart disease, diabetes cancer, etc.)
• 23% higher mobility limitations (climbing stairs, walking a block)
• Financially, a divorce and its consequences can be ruinous
• Divorce has a lasting effect on cardiovascular diseases, even after remarriage

The authors state:

"There's no erasure of the effects of divorce," Hayward said. "There is intense stress leading up to divorce, stresses during divorce proceedings. Think of divorce as one of the most intense stressors. It leads to what we call dysregulation [impairment] in key cardiovascular process that may be permanently altered. You're not going back to your original set point."

For more information, check this link.

The moral of the story is this:

Yes, there are some instances where, because of abuse or unwillingness in one partner, divorce becomes necessary. However, in the majority of cases it is so much better to struggle through relationship challenges than to give up and get a divorce! Marriage is worth fighting for!

The Intimate Couple is dedicated to helping you develop the glue that helps keep marriages strong and together—Intimacy!

Need a refresher course for your marriage—something to bring the zing back in your relationship? Take the 7 Day Sex Challenge course!

Question: Is anal sex wrong biblically? Should a married couple have anal sex?

Answer: There is nothing said about anal sex between a husband and a wife in the Bible. The sin of sodomy is referenced in the Bible which is, essentially, gay men performing anal sex.

Although there is no straightforward prohibition, looking at the way our bodies are designed makes us think it's not a wise thing to do. There is no protective/lubricated lining in the anus like there is in a vagina, allowing for the friction of intercourse. This can result in all sorts of skin lesions, infections, and other harmful risks.

Consequently, anal sex may not be sin, but it is most likely not a good idea! Certainly if one partner is hesitant (usually that would be the wife!), then the husband must change his thinking and desire for it. Read together the article listed here about What's Okay?.

Answer: It seems to us that you have a scheduling problem. Talk respectfully, directly, and honestly with your husband about how you are feeling. Tell him you need the times of intimacy and being alone with him, and then make it happen after you put your daughter to bed at night (be sure she goes to bed a few hours before you do), or whenever there is opportunity for a nap. Together, you must decide how you can include sexual intimacy regularly into your weekly calendar.

Spending time with your daughter is important, but your marriage relationship must not suffer because of it. There must be time prioritized for the two of you to have times of sexual intimacy. You will be better parents for your daughter as you invest time into your own marriage relationship!

We have just gone through the 22 question list. The issues that came up for us are in relation to prayer life and sexual performance.

With the changing pressures of life from being single, to being married and parents, we think we need to be praying more - individually and together. We plan to read the 'spiritual intimacy' section of the website. Are there any other articles or sites you would recommend for help in this area?

With regard to sexual performance, the issue is that my husband doesn't last as long as I do during sex. We have recently enjoyed new sexual experiences due to reading your website (ie. working at foreplay and exploring the G-spot). Neither of us had had sex before getting married, although we both practiced masturbation for years.

Due to sex being a taboo subject (and even if it did come up, it had negative undertones) with both our families growing up, when we got married we thought it would all just fall into place on the first night, but it didn't. It took a lot longer than that! And we're still working on it.

... we have taken leaps and bounds into sexual freedom as God met with us and touched us intimately. However, our difference in timing is causing my husband performance anxiety problems, which in turn is taking the focus off our enjoying sex. Do you have any advice in this area?

Answer: We're so happy that there's been some improvement in your sexual relationship!

Firstly, focus on the fun, not the performance! Who says your husband has to last as long as you? There are many couples who don't orgasm at the same time (maybe most?!)

Why not try having your husband climax first...and then have him invest the rest of the time bringing you to orgasm, not through direct intercourse, but manual stimulation? (Granted, he may have to splash some water on his face to revive first!) This way, your husband may even find himself excited enough to have another turn after you come to orgasm! It may all work out as a blessing in disguise.

If you can rid yourself of the idea that someone has to "perform", and simply focus on being creative in pleasuring your partner, and having fun--things will work out for you!

To answer your question about spiritual intimacy, we thought we'd send you a free draft copy of our next e-book... Why not take a peek starting at page 13 where we list several ways to deepen spiritual intimacy in marriage.

Here is an excerpt of that draft e-book...

Deepening Spiritual Intimacy (spiritual intimacy is a tri-intimacy: husband, wife, and God)

1. Make your spiritual life measurable: how do you invest time, money, resources on your spiritual life?
2. Pray together routinely as a couple: hold hands and take turns back and forth praying about issues, and for people
3. Share with each other what you believe God is saying to you
4. Husbands: lead your family with daily devotions of some kind
5. God has given you desires, passions, and gifts: write them down and ask yourselves how you are using them for the Kingdom of God?

Practical Exercises to Deepen Spiritual Intimacy:

Communication
6. Talk about your spiritual journey: how is God leading you—-first as individuals and then together?
7. Hold hands with your spouse and pray together out loud.

Caring
8. Describe to your spouse how you would rate your spiritual life on a scale of 1 to 10. On what basis do you make this evaluation? Discuss with each other our feelings and expectations about spirituality in your relationship.
9. Following up to #3, encourage your spouse with truth about how the Lord sees them.

Commitment
10. Commitment grows with trust. Ask your spouse: “What have I done that might have eroded some trust between us?”
11. Block out time on the calendar to engage in activities that you mutually agree will enhance your spiritual life together (pray together, read a book together).

Common Values
12. Take time to write down your views on the Bible, Christianity, the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Reaffirm your mutual commitment to these values.

Another suggestion in regards to spiritual intimacy would be to use a daily devotional. You and your husband, together, would take time each day to read the day's devotion and briefly discuss it with one another. Devotionals often include discussion questions at the end of each day's reading. Check your local Christian bookstore or online bookstore for "marriage devotional" or "couple's devotional". We're sure you'll find several good resources to choose from.

Our New E-Book!

“Real Questions – Honest Answers”

We are very excited to announce our second E-Book, “Real Questions – Honest Answers” is now online! This book catalogues over 60 questions our “Intimate Couple” family submitted in the last year or so. Questions are categorized by topic:

• Men’s Questions
• Women’s Questions
• In the Bedroom
• Pre-Marriage
• and more!

All are real questions concerning many facets of intimacy. You will not only learn Biblical principles that work in real-life situations, but you will also find this book extremely interesting! There are questions in this book that you might have wondered about yourself—but were hesitant to ask!

We decided (for a limited time) to offer Real Questions – Honest Answers FREE, to anyone who purchases the Seven Day Sex Challenge!

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Thanks for reading and we'll be in touch again in a few weeks! We're off this week to Northern Ontario for 2 weeks of camping with our family. It will be a wonderful vacation!

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie

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