Song of Solomon 1:2 “Kiss me again and again, for your love is sweeter than wine...”

We have an e-book almost ready to publish called The Seven-Day Sex Challenge, but it’s much more than having sex for seven days. In fact, Carrie and I believe that if a couple can commit to following our challenge for one week, their marriage will be “turned around” and be better than ever before! Rather than focus only on sex, we believe the emphasis must be on all four types of intimacy (spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and sexual)—not sexual alone. Read more about our Challenge!

Question: A Wife is Frustrated and Feels Ignored When it Comes to Sex
"My husband is hardly interested in sex, and justifies it with his low sex desire and that he is tired most of the time, so he gives excuses all the times for not having sex with me. At times, I feel frustrated for being ignored and helpless...on the other hand he loves me a lot and can’t sleep without me! He hugs me tightly, etc..

When we are making love, he doesn’t satisfy me and has never given me an orgasm... and the worst part about that situation is that I have pretended to have an orgasm, because I don’t want him to feel any more embarrassed than he is already.

Also, he doesn’t do any kind of foreplay, just sometimes French kissing a bit.

When having sex, he won’t touch me—even if I insist and get angry—because he thinks his hands will get dirty! Please tell me what to do! It’s my sixth year of marriage!"

Answer: Let me give you the short version first, and then discuss a few principles that may relate to your situation. You have mentioned a lot of issues—so I want to be as thorough as I can be. First of all, honesty is always best—yes, be gracious, be kind, be gentle—but you must also be honest!

Here are 3 simple steps to follow:

1. State the truth (Yes, gently and graciously!) “Sweetheart, let’s talk about our sex life—I really want you to help me, because I need to have an orgasm when we make love!” is an OK place to begin.
2. Suggest how you can gain insight and information together. Get a hold of some good books, or articles (our website will be valuable to you!) Better yet, see if your husband is willing to go to a Christian counselor with you. Find a few areas where you know you could both easily improve.
3. Start Practicing What You Have Learned. By taking just a few steps forward, you can earn great dividends! A little bit of advancement can go a long, long way.

Check out this article and the others below. Read them with your husband.

Now, looking at a few issues that were raised with your question:

• My husband is hardly interested in sex. Yes, tiredness can indeed result in a low sex drive; however, given the other problems, I would suggest it’s more than that. There may be stress or self-esteem issues here: in that case, it’s vital that you develop openness and honesty in a way that you can express your unconditional love and support. Your goal is to honour and respect your husband—that will help address this issue. Let him hear how you feel. Tell him that you love and support him!

  A question that also needs to be asked is Does pornography have a hold in your husband’s life? If so, guilt and shame may be at work in your husband, short-circuiting your relationship, and his sex drive. You may think this is not an issue—but it is so prevalent and wide-spread you need to carefully ask—ask in a gentle and caring way. If so, check out the following links for help:
  Dangers of Pornography
  Breaking Free from Pornography

• When we are making love, he doesn’t satisfy me and has never given me an orgasm... There is help for this! However, if your husband doesn’t know, how can he learn? Talk about it! Remember, sex is only the tip of the intimacy iceberg; the best sex comes from developing intimacy—trust, openness and vulnerability promote this—and this is why honesty is so vital. Read this article to learn more about the female orgasm.
• He doesn’t do any kind of foreplay… Talk to him about it! Check out… The Art of Foreplay and How to French Kiss
  Does your husband understand how most women need more foreplay than men? Tell him what you'd like. Try being more aggressive yourself, especially when kissing. Never underestimate the power of a passionate kiss.
• When having sex, he won’t touch me—even if I insist and get angry—because he thinks his hands will get dirty!...This is a real problem and points to deeper inner issues. What makes him think this? An up-front talk is necessary here.

  Of course, you can use practical ways to help him realize that he won't get "his hands dirty". Be sure that you bathe or shower before having sex. Or why not suggest that you and your husband shower together? Ask your husband to use your favourite smelling soap to lather you up and rinse you. (You never know where this will lead!) Also, be sure to use some perfume or body spray.

  After some foreplay, ask him for what you would like (gently, not angrily). Tell him you love him and want him. Ask him what he wants from you. You need to come to a place of closeness so that any inhibitions your husband has will disappear.

  If he is unwilling or unable to change his ideas—you need to go to a professional counselor together.

Question: Arousal Tips for Wives to Use
"How do I arouse my husband?"

Answer: Does your husband have difficulty getting or keeping an erection during lovemaking? If he has this problem, it will certainly make it difficult for him to become aroused. Encourage him to visit his doctor because there are medical conditions that might be causing this problem and the doctor may be able to offer solutions.

If not, then ask yourself, “Have I been respecting my husband especially through my words and tone of voice?” If not, this will definitely keep your husband from becoming aroused by you. Just like you need to feel loved and cherished, he needs to feel respected and honored. Let him know you are proud of him, appreciate him, and so glad he is your husband!

For ideas to use on a daily basis, let me list just a few for you to try:

• meet him at the door in something sexy (or if you’ve got kids, surprise him this way in the privacy of your bedroom
• join him in the shower
• go out for dinner and whisper in his ear that you’re not wearing any panties
• leave him notes (in his briefcase, in his lunch-bag, in his jacket pocket, on the car seat) about what you want to do to him later on and what you want him to do to you
• leave a sexy message on his private voice mail
• spend a long time kissing, first gently and then more passionately; keep your clothes on for a while and then start to undress yourself
• make up your own fantasy story about the two of you and share it with him
• give him a sensual massage
• whisper in his ear that you love him and desire him
• initiate sex in a new location (be sure it’s private though!)
• experiment with a new position
• ask him what new thing he’d like to try during sex

Take the initiative, be passionate, and have fun!

Jim and I have just started reading this book and found that even the introduction was very worthwhile! We're looking forward to reading more.

Good sex is more than just good technique. The best sex comes from a great relationship. Dr. Rosenau teaches couples to develop the best relationship and then move on to sexual techniques.

A Celebration of Sex answers specific, often unasked questions about sexual topics, and presents married couples with detailed techniques and behavioral skills for deepening sexual pleasure and intimate companionship. The book is also recommended as an excellent tool for premarital education.

In our marriage (probably 10 years ago or so), I started a tradition one Christmas that consisted of buying different types of angels so Carrie could start a collection. Along the way, we have had to buy two display cabinets for her burgeoning collection of well over one hundred angels!

Christmas is a romantic time—because I will get a few gifts for Carrie that are all angels of all different shapes and sizes. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, our wedding anniversary, and Carrie’s birthday are other times when I will let Carrie know that “she’s my angel” by giving her another angel figurine.

Carrie says that she feels cherished and special every time I give her an angel. What’s even better is that our kids (all 9 of them!) realize that my tradition of giving Carrie angels is because of my love for her. No doubt, my example will impact them positively in their future relationships.

Why not take on the challenge this Christmas of finding a unique way to romance your wife and express your love to her!

Deepening Intimacy Tips
A woman thrives on being loved and cherished. It’s no wonder after we see and understand God’s design for husbands and wives as outlined in the Bible, in Ephesians 5.

Just a few nights ago, I was commenting how Carrie is always full of great ideas. She stopped for a moment, and commented how she thrives on my encouragement and praise! Thankfully, I make it a habit of encouraging my wife often…

Take a moment to write down character qualities and specific actions and habits in your wife that are worthy of praise and encouragement. Write a note or letter and list those things—-praising her for who she is and what she has done!

... and wives, take a moment to do the same for your husbands!

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie

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