Welcome to the third issue of The Intimate Couple E-Zine! We enjoy keeping in touch with you while providing simple tips and advice for you and your partner to use. Enjoy!

Love Quote
Husbands, before marriage, have your eyes wide open; after marriage, you may have to keep them half closed!

…Every wise husband has learned that some things aren’t worth mentioning to his wife—not as an avoidance to conflict, but as an exercise of grace!

It’s wonderful, in my thinking at least, that the Bible exhorts husbands and wives in ways that match their specific needs. In other words—men need respect more than anything else (yes, even more than sex!); women, on the other hand have a primary need of love—genuine affection, being cherished. By commanding husband and wife to provide their partners with the most important ingredients to a healthy marriage relationship, God was demonstrating that He knew what He was doing!

Carrie was asked to do a review of Shannon’s book, and included that review in last month’s e-zine. For more information about “The Sexually Confident Wife”, check out the Sexually Confident Wife site.

Question: "I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He's a firefighter, and as you might know firefighters work on 24 hour shift schedules. He's made it a point to not talk to me on the days that he works to avoid any future occurrences of calling too often at work. All I want to know is if he's safe but he thinks I'm being ridiculous. What should I do? How should I tell him that I only want to know that he's alright, and him believe that that is my only intent?"

Answer: Communication is the key here. Both of you need to make sure you actively listen to each other—to hear what is really being said, so that you can each understand the motives of your partner. It seems you are both experiencing some barriers to effective communication. Take a few minutes to read this article.

In this article, I quote a friend of mine—Brady Wilson, a communication expert, who talks about the push and pull approach to communicating. If both you and your boyfriend can pull conversation out from one another—and understand your mutual perspectives—you will then be able to come to a common, mutual understanding and remedy.
For example, if calling your boyfriend at his place of work is upsetting to him, perhaps he would agree to making a phone call to you during one of his lunch breaks…

Question: "Is there any place for masturbation in the marriage relationship?"

Answer: The Bible does not mention masturbation. There are some Christians who believe that the biblical reference to Onanism (Genesis 38:9) is masturbation—and of course, it can’t be—since Onan was not masturbating! In fact, he was having intercourse with his dead brother’s wife but pulled out before ejaculating to prevent pregnancy.

Any commentary from a Christian perspective, then, has to be with issues related to masturbation—like entertaining lustful thoughts, for example. Masturbation often happens while someone views lewd or pornographic material. This is obviously sin, since Jesus told us not to look on a woman to lust after her. (Matthew 5:28). The feelings of shame that arise from this are obviously detrimental to intimacy in any marriage. For more information about pornography, read the articles on its dangers:

• The Dangers of Pornography
• Breaking Free from Pornography

For married couples, as long as you are not fantasizing about other people during your lovemaking, there are no biblical restrictions to your sexuality within your marriage.

Remember, sexuality in marriage is about intimacy growing between husband and wife within a deepening, sexual relationship. Therefore, clear communication of desires, hesitations, and feelings about all sexual issues between you and your spouse is necessary so that you avoid anything that draws you apart from each other. Everything you do should be drawing you closer to your spouse.

Other articles you might find helpful:

• Christian Views on Sex explores what is acceptable, what is not—and why not?
• Christian Marriage Advice on Sex and Marriage

Question: "What new approach would you use to bring up a problem topic that repeatedly has been unresolved in the past because my spouse justifies his actions with reasons and excuses that I do not totally accept?"

Answer: Here’s the classic answer to your question: It depends!

A few other questions need to be asked: is the problem topic a sin? If so, then make an appeal to your spouse to talk openly with you; or if he is not willing to talk to you—then to seek professional counsel. If he is not willing, then leave it up to the Lord to speak to him: there’s not much else you can do. Rarely does nagging help. If the issue is big enough to damage your relationship if it isn’t dealt with, an honest, very serious talk is necessary where you outline the need for professional help.

If, however, what you are referring to is not sin, but more about personal opinion, consider Scriptures’ reminders to both husbands and wives:

Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church—this means lay down your own life (your own ideas, reasons, opinions, etc ), and give preferential treatment to your wife!

Wives, on the other hand, are not commanded to “change their husbands”, but to submit to them as to the Lord. So emotionally, let the differing issue go, and trust God to arrange for the opportune moment to talk about the issue again, when your husband is not feeling defensive. If it appears this isn’t going to happen in the near future, pray and see what God will do!

Why not read the following articles:

• Will Marriage Conflict Threaten Intimacy?
• Intimacy Problems

• Affection
• Warmth and
• Encouragement.

• Questions for Me
• Questions for Us, and
• Heart-to-Heart Homework

Write a love note, make dinner, visit the museum, buy flowers, get tickets for the local orchestra, buy a jigsaw puzzle and spend an evening puzzling, play miniature golf, serve breakfast in bed, give a long message with low lights and scented candles…the list is endless!

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie

Why not take a minute to visit our site's blog to see a listing of our most recent website articles?