Question: "My wife and I had a disagreement last year about what was acceptable in the bedroom. We had "toys" and magazines. That was all tossed a year ago. Where should one draw the line between education, enhancement, spice, variety, new-ness and pornography?"

Answer: Intimacy is based on communication, caring, commitment, and common values. Agreeing on what is “acceptable” is the common values part—and is the basis of your question. The bottom line is the Biblical standard of not putting yourself in a place where you are being sexually aroused by a woman who is not your wife.

That being said, there may be nothing wrong with toys, education (apart from porn or explicit material), variety, and lots of spice! And so, we recommend learning biblical principles that, when followed, develop intimacy and ignite sexual enjoyment!

These principles keep us close to God’s design and then, in turn, draw us closer to our spouse:

• the One and Only Principle: Sexual intimacy thrives within the covenant of marriage: there must be a relationship based on commitment and security.
• the Back to Basics Principle: Experiment, have variety, but don’t neglect genital union as the foundation of sex.
• the Hooked on You Principle: Don’t allow anything into your life that draws you away from your spouse. Your wife must be the only woman who sexually excites you (no porn!) and satisfies you.
• the Good For Both Principle: As long as it’s good for both—not hurtful or demeaning, but pleasurable, then go for it!
• the Give and Take Principle: Focus on your spouse being pleasured. Determine if a hesitation (trying oral sex, for example) is a moral or biblical issue, or the result of upbringing. Sex is meant to be fun!

This second question was also submitted through our website.

Question: "As our lives are so scheduled, do you recommend setting dates for a romantic encounter? In other words you and your spouse both know that i.e. Thursday night is romance night. Do you feel that setting a date will heighten the moment or take away from it?"

Answer: You're right, spontaneous romance and sex is fun! But "scheduled sex" can also be!

First of all, because you and I understand the importance of sex in our marriage relationships, we choose to prioritize it. If life is so busy, why shouldn't we make sure time is given to intimacy in our marriages? Let's take control of our hectic lifestyles and actually make a date to have sex with our spouses. Mark those "dates" in our planners and then, make certain nothing allows us to cancel them.

If you find scheduling sex into your life detracts from the experience, teach yourself how to counteract the negative feelings you may have about putting sex on your calendar.

• Keep your thoughts positive as it comes to mind that you have that "special date" with your spouse that night.
• Smile as you think about how you will spend your evening.
• Call or email your spouse letting them know that you're looking forward to being with them later in the day.
• Take a few extra minutes to make your bedroom setting special. Pick up a scented candle or two during the day to use at night.
• Ladies, take time during the day to plan which negligee you will wear and which perfume you will use for your husband.
• Men, pick up a gift (flowers, chocolate, ... something you know your wife will feel special getting from you) to surprise her with when you get home... or why not have the gift delivered to your wife earlier in the day with a note letting her know that you can hardly wait to see her later!

So, you see? It is very possible to keep the fun and specialness of sexual intimacy even when it is scheduled and planned for.

Books We're Currently Reading...
Last month I (Jim) mentioned I was in the process of reading The Marriage Benefit, by Mark O’Connell, PhD. During the first week of July, the publisher of this book contacted us, and asked us to write a review of Dr. O’Connell’s work. I have included some of my thoughts here:

Mark has twenty-five years of experience as a clinical instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and Cambridge Hospital. This experience, along with his wealth of insight, makes this book nothing short of fascinating! I was captivated as I read example after example of Mark’s interactions with real life couples who have come to him seeking help in their marriage.

The Marriage Benefit examines ten of the lasting benefits of staying together, regardless of the turmoil and trouble a couple may be experiencing. There is still hope for any couple who feel convinced their marriage is over!

I love how Dr. O’Connell recognizes the unsearchable depth of intimacy possible between a husband and a wife:

“The key to living fully and creatively as we get older is continued growth, and the most growth-promoting possibilities imaginable can be found in the unexplored depths of our long-term intimate relationships.”

Mark O’Connell’s book, The Marriage Benefit, is a book you’ll want to read if you ever want to experience the “Happily Ever After” marriage you’ve always wanted!

Shannon Ethridge’s book, The Sexually Confident Wife, uncovers the often taboo subject of sexuality for wives from the understanding that sexual intimacy is foundational to a healthy, happy marriage.

Her insights challenge women to change their wrong thinking patterns to allow themselves to become who God designed them to be—sexually confident wives who are comfortable with and enjoy God’s gift of sex in their marriages. Shannon candidly shares from hers and others’ experiences addressing topics on sexuality that many women are afraid to broach.

Wives who apply the principles Shannon shares will discover the joy of experiencing true freedom in the marriage bed. As wives become more confident in their role in God’s design for sexually intimacy, they are certain to experience a deeper connection with their husbands.

Visit the Sexually Confident Wife website to read an excerpt of the book and for information on the author, Shannon Ethridge.

A Tip for You to Use
The vast majority of the intimacy surveys we receive indicate that couples’ lives are rushed, and that husbands and wives often don’t connect in the meaningful ways that promote intimacy.

Many years ago, Carrie and I attended a marriage seminar and the couple leading suggested something that we applied and have used for years: a weekly “husband-wife meeting"... like a date night. This is basically what we did:

• Get a binder and use it to write down progress in the areas you are working on in your relationship.
• Set up your binder with these suggested sections:
• demonstrating respect for each other;
• romantic exercises;
• dealing with conflict;
• finances;
• children.

Keep the night romantic and enjoyable, and then talk about issues when you are both in a positive constructive frame of mind. Remember, the primary goal is relationship development!

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Use our online form to submit them to us. Thanks for your participation!

Thanks for reading! See you next month!

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie

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