Engaged and yet having sex? Is that ok?

by Mary
(Hampstead, Maryland, USA)

Question:
I want to thank you so much for this site. It is such a blessing to get solid answers from the Bible and realistic wholesome answers offering useful support. I asked Jesus in my heart when I was a child. I grew up strong in God's love and faith and by the grace of the Holy Spirit I had the honor to lead many to Jesus.

I did fall in sin with a guy when I became 18. I got married to him and had three most beautiful sons who all are teens now and have Jesus in their heart like I do.

I have been single for over ten years after a harsh divorce and found a Christian man who I met. He is from a foreign land outside the US and we are planning a life to be together. Due to the legal system, this could take up to two years for him to move here. So he visits here for a few weeks every four months or so when he can afford to. He asked for my hand in marriage and I said YES!!! He and I vowed to each other and God that we will be loyal and faithful and though we did not get married by a priest or by the government we consider ourselves married.

Due to the laws in our country, this costs so much money and takes such a long time and he and I both are adults and have been waiting on God to bring us the right one (each other). Now the laws and government are blocking us to be able to complete the process in the time we desire.

We have had sex a lot when he had visited here for the weeks he has stayed. I have a ring on my hand and he and I said our vows to each other.

Are we considered husband and wife due to the situation? And are we living in sin just because we don't have the money and the laws make this process near to impossible without the long time to process this? Our wedding date is set for the month the filing process will be complete and that takes about a year... providing there is enough money and no added setbacks. I just want to know if we are truly married in God's eyes and not on our way to hell if he or I were to die before we can officially legalize our vows to each other. I hope someone has solid answers to this ... Thank you and God bless!!!

Our Answer:
As pastors, we think there's something you need to know--apart from your sexual activity during your engagement. If you both are true believers, then you will never go to hell! You have been forgiven by Jesus' death on the cross and nothing can change that! He forgave all your sins! Colossians 2:13 (NLT) "You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ. He forgave all our sins."

All your sins were forgiven before you were born! They were forgiven on the cross of Jesus and that means all your sins--even the ones you haven't committed yet! This doesn't mean we should go and sin all we want, because we are already forgiven--what it means is that because we are forgiven, we can live the kind of life Jesus wants us to! You are not going to hell, regardless...

Marriage is an institution made by God. However, there is no marriage in Heaven (Mt 22:30): it is made to function here on earth within our society. To be valid before God, it must be valid in the sight of our society.

We have some comments, that demonstrate that having sex is not a good idea until after the official wedding ceremony:

1. We are sure that you, as the woman, could refrain from sex before marriage. 99% of the time it is the man that is pushing for sex. Therefore, are we in actuality talking about him having self-discipline?


2. The goal of marriage is not sex--it is intimacy! Of course, sex is a huge part of that intimacy--but intimacy has 4 parts: intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and then sexual (you can read more in the article: Intimacy and Sex ). When your fiancé comes to visit, sex becomes a huge part of your time together--this is especially so for the man because the male sex drive is so strong. Because of this, your relationship will not develop the other other parts of intimacy as much--sex hijacks becoming closer spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally.


3. Your fiancé's job is to cherish you and lay down his life for yours. Stopping sex will take discipline for him to control himself--and that would be a great way to deny himself and to honour you until you get married legally.


4. You have 3 teenaged boys who are watching you. Basically, you are telling them that it's OK to have sex before marriage. Is that the example you want them to follow?


5. Let your fiancé do the hard thing by waiting to have sex before marriage: it will be a good thing for your relationship!