Fiance to Open Up

Answer
For many couples, one of the individuals finds it easier to share their thoughts and feelings while the other one finds it more difficult. It is important that both of you communicate with one another, both by listening but also by talking. If your fiancé or spouse is hesitant to open up to you, try using some of these tips:

• understand that trust needs to be built before someone will disclose their feelings
• set the stage: alone… just the two of you, curled up on the couch, encourage a feeling of closeness!
• demonstrate unconditional acceptance and respect for what your partner shares
• try asking, “Penny for your thoughts?”
• don’t “reward” their honesty and openness with negative responses or repercussions
• use questions
• start your questions with “who”, “what”, “where”, “when”, or “why” rather than a question that can be answered with just a “yes” or “no”
• use our list of “48 Questions to Ask Before Marriage” or “Questions to Ask Your Partner” as a springboard
• browse through photo albums of your fiancé and ask leading questions about their feelings at specific times or events in their life
• be sure you don’t talk too much but give them time too!
• be sure your response (both through body language and verbally) to what they share provides a non-threatening environment for their openness

A few more suggestions for how you can respond…

Be affirming of your spouse or fiancé: “I love you all the more knowing [this about you]…”

After they’ve shared about a past family hurt: “I can understand why it is difficult for you to go to family gatherings…”

After they’ve shared a goal or dream of theirs: “That is awesome! I want to support you in your goal…”

If they disagree with you: “I respect your feelings and want to understand your point of view…”

When they tell you how they have failed: “You don’t need to live in regret about that. Today is like a new chapter or a fresh start!...”

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