How can my spouse get over my sexual past?

by CH M

How to make my wife get over my sex past?

I have been married for 25 years and recently my wife asked me about my past girl friends. At first I did not want to tell her that I had been in bed with my first girl friend. However, I was too nervous to hide and my replies to her questions were with many flaws. Sometimes, the answer is contradictory and beyond common sense. At last, I needed to confess my sex past that I had with my girl friend. At that time she asked me about how we knew, the dates, intimate acts in the course of the dates and finally how we came to bed. Especially on the details of our acts in bed where she insisted that I should mention in every details. After that, she felt that I was beyond her belief that she had so trusted me before. She began to doubt my morals not matching to what she had thought of me. She felt hurt in her emotion. Every now and then, she often asked again and again of the in bed details with my first girl friend. She even asked questions of how I felt at the time where I was in bed with my girl friend and compared the things if she were in the place of my first girl friend. She always did the same interrogation and if there was any deviation with what I said before and for even any slightest difference, she would yell at me that I was a liar and a hypocrite because I did not tell her all the things of my sex past. Now, she insists that she cannot forgive me. She hates me and even sometimes asks me to leave the house. However, she finally withdraws and allows me to stay after she calms down in our quarrels. I have tried my best to ask for her pardon by saying that I am wrong not to tell her of my sex past before our marriage. I even beg her to forgive me by saying that I do not mean to hide my sex past. Of course, she keeps on refusing to trust me.

Now I want to know how I can mend this. I love my wife and I do not want to divorce. I know my wife also loves me in her inner mind but she just says that she does not love me anymore and even hates me. Please advise me what I can do.

Our Answer:

We suppose the reason your wife is reacting as she is, points out that she feels hurt and betrayed. Apparently she thought--after 25 years of marriage--that she knew you, and that there were no secrets in your relationship. Obviously, trust needs to be restored. We suggest you both go to a Christian marriage counselor. This person will very likely be a great resource in restoring your relationship! The counselor's perspective may make your wife feel more at peace to forgive you and move on to strengthening your marriage.

The issue here, we think, is the over-reaction: it makes us think that there is more under the surface that needs to be dealt with--hence the need for the Christian counselor. Your wife's inquiries about the details of the fling with a girlfriend--before you were married (we're not talking about an affair) indicates there's an insecurity in your wife that has a reason. Sometimes the "worst things" that happen, can actually turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Perhaps this "worst thing" of your wife finding out about your sexual history with your first girlfriend will become the catalyst to help the two of you work through some deep issues: trust, hurts, forgiveness, and more. Read this article about how marriage conflict can actually draw you closer!

You will need to work on gaining back trust from your wife. Women especially feel that having sex is the final culmination of love and emotional intimacy between a man and woman. Your wife would see your having sex with your first girlfriend as being significant. Perhaps your wife will have an appreciation for you working through this book that we suggest: "The Invisible Bond" by Barbara Wilson. Working through this book and applying the tools will help you break any "invisible bonds" from the past. Your wife needs to know that you want to do everything possible to be free from the past.

That being said, your wife will need to forgive. Forgiveness is necessary to any relationship... marriage included. We suggest you and your wife read through our article on forgiveness. Your wife needs to know that "Forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion; because we don’t feel like we are able to forgive really doesn’t matter: we decide to forgive."

Your marriage is worth fighting for! Both of you need to know that you can still experience a wonderful, trust-filled, loving relationship despite the past.


Jim and Carrie

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