I believe my husband is emotionally abusive, or am I just being too sensitive?

by Kris
(Kentucky)

Editor's Note: This question is a lengthy one! We felt to include it in its entirety to help our readers understand the sad plight of many marriages. Please continue to pray for healing and restoration for couples, such as the one described in this question, whose relationships are abusive and/or unhealthy.

Question:There are so many things I could mention here I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I have been together almost 7 years and married for 4. When we met I was 22 and he was 29, so I don't know if his behavior has changed that much or if I'm just not as naive as I once was. Looking back, there have always been problems within our relationship.

For instance, my husband's sex drive has always been minimal and the only time we are intimate is when he initiates it. If I try to initiate, or even hint at, being physical, I'm always turned down. I gave up trying a couple of years ago. As it turns out, he only wants to have sex about once every 2 months or so and when we do, it is always very quick (hope that isn't TMI) and I normally get nothing out of it. I have tried talking to him about this many, many times, but it does no good as he doesn't think there is a problem.

Aside from that, most of our arguing revolves around our children. I have a 7 year old son from a previous relationship; he was only 13 months old when my husband and I began dating. He knows he has another father somewhere, but my husband is "Dad". Then, together we have a son who is almost 2.

As far as taking care of the kids goes, I do almost everything. I bathe them, wash all their clothes, feed them, make sure the older one is signed up for activities, make sure he gets his homework done, volunteer at his school, dress both kids everyday, change the large majority of diapers, make all their doctor's appointments and take them to the Dr., attend teacher conferences and PTA meetings, ... I could go on and on, but all of the "parent" things I do mostly alone.

I also go to school full time and work part time. My husband takes the older one to school everyday, but I do have to make sure everything is ready to go and have his clothes set out for him. And the only reason he takes him to school is because he can come home and go back to sleep, whereas if I took him, the little one would likely wake up since he's in my bedroom, therefore my husband wouldn't be able to go back to sleep (because he can't sleep when he's awake b/c of the noise). He also does all of the dishes, and picks up around the house a fair amount. However, he also doesn't currently work and takes only 2 classes at school.

Most of his time not in class is spent playing games on the phone, wii, or computer. He also does all the grocery shopping, but again, it's because he'd rather go shop alone than be left home with the kids and also he has control over what is being bought. We only have one car, which happens to be mine, but he drives it 90% of the time. Anywhere I go, I take the kids with me. We have also recently taken 2 vacations without my husband and have another coming up because he prefers not to be in the car with the little guy. My husband also has activities that he does, depending on the time of year, from 1 to 3 nights per week for several hours. He is usally gone at least 2 nights a week and one of those nights he is always out until at least 2 am.

I am actually fine that I have to shoulder the majority of the responsibility with the kids, I truly enjoy everything I do with them. My problem is that my husband doesn't appreciate anything I do, and actually says all the time that I do NOTHING. He complains that I don't clean enough, he complains if our son fusses for a second and I don't tend to him immediately. We have a deal that if I cook, he cleans up. Well, last night we ordered pizza and our little one was getting into something and my husband was still eating, so the thought never ocurred to me to put the pizza away. When he got finished eating, he started complaining about putting the pizza away and said he does EVERYTHING and I do NOTHING.

He calls me lazy and stupid/ignorant/idiot for different reasons on almost a daily basis. After 2 kids, I have put on some weight, but am still a size 2, however, most of my clothes are size 0. He will comment on how tight something looks on me and tell me if I would "lose some pounds" I wouldn't have that problem. He says it like he's joking, but he's not joking. He says all the time that we've both gotten fat. If I eat any sweets he calls me "biggun".

Almost everything I say or do is scrutinized by him. If I don't do something the way he would do it than it's the wrong way and I'm an idiot. If I do it the way he would it's almost always not fast enough or good enough. I got good grades last semester (a 3.0), which was my first back in 10 years, and instead of saying he was proud of me he said I should've gotten all A's, and that a monkey could've done well in my classes. This may have been fueled by the fact that he didn't do well. This semester he took many of the same classes I had last semester and is not doing well, which he credits to the fact that I took them at the community college and he is at the state university, otherwise he would do better than I did.

On multiple occasions, I have caught him talking to other women on the computer, at one point 3 years ago, I found webcam conversations of a sexual nature between he and several women and the girls were always nude. I threw the webcam out, and he told me that he didn't think it was a big deal, but would stop if it bothered me. As far as I know the webcam chats have stopped, but I have found converstions that he initiated between himself and girls with screennames like "tasty jen" and "luscious cherry". Though I can't see the entire conversation, I can tell he is the one who initiated it. I also found out he'd called some girl he met on spring break several years ago to see how she is doing. When I asked him about these things he gets very angry and says he is entitled to talk to anyone he wants to, that there is nothing wrong with saying hello to freinds and if I have a problem with it, it is becuase of my own insecurities. I honestly wouldn't care if it was harmless conversations between he and "old friends", but I think women with those kinds of names that I've never heard of don't classify as old friends, though he says they do.

Also, anytime I try to have a conversation with him about my day he tells me to hurry up or he says things like "blah, blah, blah, I don't care." For instance, I recently scheduled my classes for next semester and was getting ready to tell him what I was taking and he said "I don't need to know."

I could go on all day with examples, but I have found myself considering the possibility that he is emotionally abusive and possibly even narcissistic. There was a situation a couple of months ago that prompted me to finally say I'd had enough. I was asking my son if he thought his teacher was pretty...that is literally it. And my husband started going off on me about how disgusting and crazy I was to ask him a question like that and that it wasn't normal or a Christian thing to do. When I tried to speak to defend myself he wouldn't let me say anything. I was in complete shock and didn't even raise my voice to him, but calmly tried to inquire why he was going off the deep end and he told me if I didn't shut up he was leaving. So I told him maybe he should go for awhile and he left for several hours. When he got back I told him how unhappy I was and that I wanted to see a counselor, which he agreed to do. I contacted our church immediately, but after several messages, no one has gotten back with me and he has now changed his mind. Either way, I'm not sure it would work because he told me that I'm in for a shock when we go to therapy and they tell me all of our problems are my fault.

I just wonder if I really am as bad as he makes me out to be and clueless, or if he is truly abusive. It has gotten so bad, that when he compliments me or is affectionate with me, it almost disgusts me because I know seconds later he will be insulting me in some way. What should I do?

Krista

Our Answer:

Dear Krista,

We are so sorry to hear about your husband's failings as a father and husband. You are in an abusive relationship that has no future without a radical transformation by your husband, which seems highly unlikely at the moment. The only hope for positive change, in our opinion, is to do the following:

  1. Get help! Don't try to go alone through this; find a counselor, or a great church offering these services.

  2. Set boundaries. Though, by the sound of your correspondence, it may be too late. Your husband needs to be shocked into reality to realize what he is jeopardizing by acting the way he is. He must never be allowed to act the way he does without repercussions! Swearing, insulting, being disrespectful are totally unacceptable. Put your foot down! Demand he move out if need be--and again, find someone to help you.

  3. Prepare for separation. Can you get financial assistance for a time from someone--relatives or friends? If your husband doesn't have to change, he likely won't. If you separate, he may just come to his senses.

  4. Ramp up your own relationship with the Lord. Honestly, you need the Lord Jesus and the strength and support He wants to give you through this difficult time. Prayer works! Again, finding a great church will go a long way in getting the help you need.

You will be in our prayers, Krista.

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie

Comments for I believe my husband is emotionally abusive, or am I just being too sensitive?

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Dec 27, 2010
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I know how you feel, Krista!
by: Anonymous

I am somewhat older than you, Krista, but I deal with frighteningly similar circumstances. I have dealt with similar kinds of abuse since the beginning of this nearly 23 year marriage & am getting to the point where I've almost had enough. My love for the Lord, & desire to please him is the only reason I have not left this man years ago. I love him but I do not like him very much. I no longer have a husband. I have a room-mate. I am committed to the vows I made, but working so hard to have a relationship with a man who clearly doesn't want to have a relationship with me is wearing down my resolve to stay. How long do I take this kind of crap from my husband before I am justified in walking away? I would love to have the kind of passionate, loving relationship with my husband that your website talks about, but I'm beginning to think it's impossible. Does the Lord really expect us (Krista & I) hold ourselves to vows that clearly don't have any meaning anymore? Is abuse a justifiable reason to leave a marriage?

Tracy

Jan 26, 2011
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Our marriages are having the same issues
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your situation. When I googled the question "if i voice a different opinion than my husband, am I arguing?" - I found your question/answer.

I can't believe it - it is almost as if we are living the exact same lives. I am dealing with the exact things you are and it is emotionally killing me.

I hope you will read this and we can correspond. Maybe we can be a supporter and encourager to each other. You are in my prayers.

Mar 05, 2011
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want to leave
by: mary

I am having the same problems in my marriage almost 10 yrs married, but feel like I have a roommate for the past 6 yrs since my daughter was born. I quit smoking about a yr ago and gained about 35 lbs. I am told that I am miserable and I should go back to smoking he liked me better. or I am fat that I should try his pants on mind you he is over 300 lbs a diabetic and does not care. He hates the world. I am called an idiot or dumb and says hes only joking when i approach him about the name calling I feel like a single parent hes does nothing with us. I want to leave I am a Registered nurse but I am afraid for my daughter, I feel so bad for her.

Apr 02, 2011
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Same sea,different boat
by: Anonymous

I'm in the same situation except mine has a sex drive and keeps saying I should service him in exchange for him paying for rent and groceries,etc. I have been unable to find work for almost a year now. It is unbearable. My kids are a bit older and my oldest sounds her weekends at friend's houses to avoid his tirades. If I could just get a job I could get out of is heck we're in. I don't understand why he would want ot have sex with me when according to him I am the worst person on the planet and I am not good at anything,not pretty, a bad person and mother and that everything is always my fault. Why would he tell me I owe him sex if I'm such a terrible person? I can't stomach having relations with him. I know I'm using him to support us until I can find a job. I guess his treatment of me is punishment for the fact that I'm using him to support us?

Dec 31, 2011
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lying and deceiving husband
by: Anonymous

My husband is a know piece of **. I am so sorry i ever got involved with him and married him. He has add and bipolar disorder. That's my diagnosis.

If I am wrong I will eat my hat. He is all for him. All he wants is his chat rooms. Nothing else on earth matters to him when it comes to me,

If he goes to his mom's house, in the morning he gets off fast and leaves. He hides things. He tries to get my password from my computer. I have gotten his. He tries to get on match.com but he comes to find out at the end he has to pay for it, so he doesnt do it. He won't get a part time job to bring more money in. I can't find a job.

But what is really bugging the ** out of me, he hides papers. I find them with screen names from chat rooms. He has a book down stairs with all names of screen names. When he is down stairs, I hide a bit and watch him. He sometimes has his hand in his pants when he is on line. He lies all the time to me no matter what on earth it is. He says there is no over time. I don't believe him. I need someone to anyalze him and see what they come up with. He doesn't do ** on his computer. I try to believe him but that will never be.

May 03, 2012
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You Deserve Better
by: Anonymous

O my goodness! Please, I beg all of you to get out of these horrible relationships and spend some time taking care of yourselves. When you're in a situation or a relationship when you are told every day that you are nothing you start to believe it. I promise you that you all deserve love and happiness, every living being does, the things these men are doing is a reflection on how they feel about themselves and not you. It is difficult to leave when you feel that you have nothing left, I understand, I have been there, but you can only grow from here, trust that things will be Ok, they will be more than ok in the end. Take the leap, free yourself, you deserve it!!

Sending love and kindness to all of you x

Jun 03, 2012
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I got an idea
by: Anonymous

There are a couple of things that standout to me because my significant other has done them (not being too into sex) and him freaking about you mentioning if the teacher is pretty makes me think this may be something that applies to you. Ask your husband if he has been molested. I'm serious. Most of us don't think it could happen to a guy and guys are really good at hiding their feelings. My husband told me he was molested by an older woman when he was a kid, and then it made sense why he wasn't into sex that much, especially if I initiated it.

That would also explain his reluctance to go into therapy and the "shock" you would get from it.

Just an idea

Jun 15, 2012
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I want out of my marriage
by: Len

My husband and I have been sleeping separately since my daughter was born almost 6 years ago. This is a set up I thought is best for us since he couldn't tolerate the cry and the noise our daughter used to make when she was very small.

Over 8 years, the longest he has stayed in a job is 18 months. He would quit his job and bring us back to his hometown; join a new one and leave again after a few months. During those times, he would be very moody, blow his top off at any comment I would make that doesn't agree with him.

His behavior is so confusing because one moment he's so angry, the next he's so cool--as if nothing happened.

He's been very stingy too. It's only last year that he learned to give me an allowance of 40 dinars ($50) a month for personal expenses. And that too emergency expenses for the home would come from that.

He gets angry so easily. Shouts at me and my daughter at anytime regardless where we are. And has the nerve to demand respect and appreciation!

As a believer of Jesus Christ, am I really supposed to endure this unfair treatment for as long as I'm alive? I feel the Lord is slow in helping me in this area of my life.

Jun 19, 2012
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Married for 20 years, 3 kids and I am miserable
by: Anonymous

I met my husband when I was 14. He was what I thought to be my dream man. We started dating when I was 15 and got married when I was 18, had all three of our children by the time I was 26. I am now 38 and realized that I have been miserable for the last 20 years. My husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I cannot do anything right, I am fat, I am stupid, and when something goes wrong--watch out, cause no matter what, it is my fault. I have tried to feel good about myself but I don't. I am so depressed. I have talked to him about it but all he ever says is how he is the perfect husband and how any woman would be lucky to have him. I am trapped with no way out.

Sep 13, 2012
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Trying hard to put my foot down but caving
by: Anonymous

I have been thru hell and back with my fiancé. I have givin birth to three of his children we lost our daughter to SIDs. I have one boy from previous marriage. My fiancé is very controlling and possessive and the kicker like his temper he believes he isn't. He's constantly negative. He says the most disgusting thing to me that I can't even repeat most. I can't do anything right. He basically call me a lazy fat b-word, sl**, even to the point he suggest that all my good are tore up and stretched out having kids...I mean all my goods...he basically tell me how undesirable and he's not attracted to me....he will in same day tell he don't mean that stuff. If I look at him wrong he get suspicious or annoyed. I hardly ever leave the house except when necessary groceries kids doc appointments so because he makes a point of acting like i take off to Townes all the time. He has been using drugs and swears he's stopped but I see all the same weirdos comming around. He spends hours going to Townes hanging out in his shop or locking himself in his room. I recently descovered he's been live web cam woman and has spent almost 4000 in last 15 months he started when our 15 monthold was 2 weeks old. I know have his two moth old so he's been doin this whil I had both our younger boys and been pg. u was so upset because he don't spend any time with me he even sleeps and locks his door upstairs. I'm in room downstairs with kids. Seems like he only affectionate when he wants sex and we do that often. I still feel like he's been cheating with the onlines girl. I ened up taking the boys and leaving. He was hiding this porn stuff on locked computer so on. The thing is he spent my money on this he don't work or pay bill I pay for everything. I have no help with kids he can't even be nice enough to take a drive with me, go grocery shopping with me or go to any doc apts when pg. ppl literally think I'm a single mom. I feel like his dirty little secret that he wants only to himself when convent. I could go on forever. Long story short I'm in hotel with kids been three four days, I took him off account and he whining around like I make him do the stuff he does he does it because he stressed....I'm a bad partner now because i should ever leave him. I god woman that loved him would take kids and leave. I told him he would get them in weekends still he acts like I taking his family from him. When we are home all he isn't doing nothing with me. I feel like he is lying cheating and everything with drugs an Internet porn. I don't know what he'd do if I did that stuff he holds me to a different standard than does himself and for some reason he does no wrong in his head.

Sep 13, 2012
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Continued from post directly above this one
by: Anonymous

Had to write another post just to finish. Im sad and scared because I miss him and I want my family together, but I know he not gonna change he never does seem like every time I make an attempt to put my foot down I eventually cave in go home and he hold over my head I left betrayed him so and I never live it down. Now here I sit wanting so badly to go home so badly to not be a bad partner...it sucks...he has been abusive in every way possible to the point of getting physical when I try to leave with kids before...I go back even though he is emotionally, mentally, and once in while physically abusive. He really don't think he's that bad. I stayed with through his drug addictions and comple neglect of me, but the web cam girl was just the straw that broke camels back. I know he is cheating physically but he still interacting with these woman and it feels like cheating to me. I guess I got to where I feel like I have been thru it all with him...get all the worst parts of him and have to fight guilt trip or nothing shy of beg to get him to do something with me and he is so willing to hang out with druggies he don't like and nasty woman online that he pays no less. I just feel broken and insuffient. If I tell him how I feel. I'm trying to make him feel bad...I making him feel worthless or making him worse so on. I just don't know what to do. Im a bad partner, person, and mother no matter what regardless if I home or standing my ground. I can't win. I wish all these others people hes distracted with got his bad points but no they seem to get the better part of at least there treated better than me in my eyes and I'm sure he not too nice to them either. Who know. He breathes lies but I don't want my family to be split apart so here aim torne on what to do. I live him and despite hat he say I know I love him more than he does me...although he will argue that he loves me more till he's black and blue and how he'd never leave me like I d him...I feel like he leaves me every time he sips up and uses and every time he talk to one of those Internet girls he doesn't see it like that though. He does no wrong. I'm always the fault Blaine and reason for anything and everything.

Sep 23, 2012
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God understands
by: JessieB

God loves you so he would not want you ladies to stay in an abusive marriage. Sometimes we take our love for God and put it above our own well being. No woman should ever suffer for this. God understands your heart and you are not 'bad" if you have tried to make a marriage work and your husbands are abusive. Get out, get well yourselves and true love will find a way to your heart! I believe God helped me find the strength to finally leave my horrid life and start anew...I am not bad in God's eyes for ending my marriage...It is only other people who judge you...I am stronger and wiser and closer to God... because I left!

Jan 12, 2013
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Ignored the warning signs!
by: Anonymous

My husband and i dated for 5 years before i got married to him. he used to insult my job, my family and nothing i did was ever good enough. the matter was discussed with family members as i decided that i wanted to get out. he promised to change and once again i was stupid enough to believe it. he did everything that was needed from me. i married him. after 3 years we had our first baby. but my relationship with him is so... i initiate sex, i get turned down. hes tired. we can go 6 months without having sex. we have sex when he wants to. he is obsessive when it comes to things bein put in place. they cant even be a spoon in the sink or anything on a dressing table or anything on a side table. he is organised in evrthing but if something is not done. he has a fit. insults me, tells the baby not to be like her mummy. he wont even pick up after baby if i was playing with her because it my time with her. he insults my job. he is diabetic. i cant tell him to eat proprly. his response was to pls worry abt myself. or if i say lets go for a walk... response is "if it makes u happy... u go!" he is a coach potato of note. watch tv from the time he comes from work til the time he goes to bed. does a little but speaks as if he does everything. loyalties still remain with his parents. this year, he physically abused me, i walked out but i came back so hastilly and now i regret it. he promised to for counselling but when i came back he didnt. both families are aware of his actions. we sleep in separate bedrooms as well and i'm liking it. confided in ppl and i do belive that i ignored the signs but is it too late??? is this my life now?

Jan 25, 2013
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a miserable life
by: Anonymous

I dont know what to say,i also have a similar situation.Mine is a whining and compaining one.he's only about money.he rushes into things,me and my daughter.when she was born he tortured me verbally for having a girl child,he calls me stupid,useless burden and all sort of things in front of my kids.I do not work as he told me not to;i thought he's the one who'll care for me.I was stupid.i wasted my 11 years of life.he is a miser.he'll whine if i spent a bit more in grocery shopping,i never buy anything for myself. dont i deserve any kind of freedom? i have to beg for everything.wonder what i saw in him that i fell for him.i never really got any support from my parents anytime and after them he is the one making my life miserable.sometimes i feel like ending my life,but i think about my kids.sometimes i think to kill them as well and commit sucide,I feel so lonely and alone.what did i do to deserve this?i just want to start my life afresh and leave him.i have no job;no experience,no backup, noone to support me.what do i do?

Jan 26, 2013
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Maybe bipolar
by: Anonymous

I have been married to my husband almost 26 years now. We both claim to be disciples of Christ. For about the first 10 years I was physically, verbally, emotionally abused by my husband. Although he hasn't physically abused me the rest of the time frame he still is very verbally and emotionally abusive. I keep praying things will get better. He gets very angry about anything I disagree with or have my own opinion about. He will rant and rave blaming me for every aspect of his life. For instance the other night he tells me he's making up menus of what he wants to cook and then he tells me he's buying the groceries accordingly. I told him that there's things I would like to cook too. I didn't disagree about his menu I just pointed out that there's things I would like to make. Before I knew it he flew off the handle hills ring, cursing, blaming me for things, bringing up things from the past, he goes on. For hours. Than he starts up this morning. He says all kind of hateful things calling me stupid, idiot, dumb. He says he don't love me anymore. That I'm the most selfish woman he has ever met. He says he's a giver and I'm a taker. All I do is take. He has nothing because of me. I think he is bipolar he has all the signs. I had him going to a counselor last year but he quit after a couple of months. I love him ! But he is really making me resent him, he could be going to God but he chooses to hold onto bitterness and unforgiveness. He thinks he's the only one who has hurt and pain, and I'm the one that's giving him all his pain. He accuses me of wanting power over him. What to do?

Feb 26, 2013
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This is abuse!!!!!
by: Anonymous

I recently got called a bitch!!.. 11 years married and he calls me out of my name! I work...he doesn't. I clean everything in the house...he cleans nothing!!! He says its not his thing and that's women's work! I pay all the bills and he hides his own money he makes here and there. Everything is password protected and I have to ask permission to use his laptop that I bought him (while my MacBook got ruined by the kids while in his care). When we go out to dinner, he has to grab the check and asks me for the debit card so HE can pay...he even signs my name!!! He undermines me in front of our kids and they have no respect for me. He unfriended me from Facebook for a one word comment I made in reference to a young woman he was following. (Boobs and all!) When I leave to go out with girls, which is rare, he arranges for kids to be watched and goes out! I went to casino today to get some me time....when I told him where I was, he said he was going to go once I got home. (Is this a race?) He corrects me in front of others and I feel like everything I do or say is under scrutiny. I resent him and he clearly has no respect for me as his wife and mother of his child renamed even a human being. When I try to talk to him, he says I'm being negative. I just can't win with this man, and frankly I don't want this anymore. We have two kids, and I am soooo soooo tired. Lying, cheating, and infidelity has been my experience with this man... Enough is enough!

Mar 03, 2013
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Divorce him
by: Anonymous

Have some self respect.

Mar 21, 2013
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Borderline Personality Disorder?
by: Anonymous

Having read the comments on here, I think they (and we) all have one thing in common. Our husbands may have Borderline Personality Disorder... Do some research- you will find it very enlightening!

Mar 25, 2013
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Emotional Abuse
by: Anonymous

The advice listed is very positive. Sounds like your husband is insecure and as a result putting you down to make himself feel better.
A seperation is probably what is needed to make him come to his senses.
I have had emotional/ threatened physical abuse and have told him to leave.
I have had the christian thing thrown at me too.
If they were truly following God though, he would not be abusive towards you with his words.
Faith shows itself in action.
Seek God and hope you eventually get a positive outcome from all this.

Mar 28, 2013
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Me too....
by: Anonymous

now it has gotten to the point where my children are being involved. My son confessed to me that my husband's frustration and anger led to calling me rude names to my son behind my back. We have been together 20 years. I don'y want to jeapordize my son, I am so tired

Mar 31, 2013
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Same boat
by: Anonymous

I'm new here and reading the messages feels like i'm reading my own life story. I need to know, girls, how you handled this kind of challenge. Please share.
Thank you

Editor's note: this commenter hoped to get responses emailed to her but we recommend that email addresses stay private. Please respond to her using the comment feature on this page. Thanks!

Apr 20, 2013
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Bipolar husband
by: Anonymous

We have been married for less than a year and my husband blames me for everything. When we first began dating, we discussed not having sex before marriage as I wanted to develop a better relationship with Christ. He not only agreed, but said that our morals and views were the same and that it was a great idea. We had arguments like any couple during our relationship and engagement, but the other shoe dropped as soon as we got home from our honeymoon. Literally yelling and cursing at me after I drove us 5 hours home from our honeymoon! From there, I have been blamed for everything. I've been blamed for things in our wedding, like the photographer not taking enough pics of him, to not making good decisions. He doesn't make money and really doesn't contribute much financially to the household, but I have never complained or talked bad about him. So literally everything is my fault and constantly he tells me f me and he doesn't care about my feelings, what I think, or if I cry. He has told me he will cheat, leave, I'm not good enough in bed (he must think he is the best in the world, that he doesn't like me, cusses me out fairly often, yells at me, flys off the handle over nothing, constantly has an attitude, and the list goes on Most recently, I am to blame for our sex life because since we didn't do it before getting married, he doesn't want me anymore. He told me I talk to much and needs to please him, don't try just do. He constantly rejects me, but blames me for not having sex, after he rejects me and of course I'm to blame for that. He was married before and the marriage ended after 6 months and I totally understand how, now here is the bipolar part. After these arguments, he acts like nothing ever happened. Really?!?! You just made me feel an inch tall, now you come home like you've been skipping in a meadow? I'm at a point where i want to tell him when he often says he will pack up and leave to please do so. I know that the first year is the hardest, and I don't want to give up if the marriage can be fixed, but I am fit to be tied and wouldn't care if I never saw him ever again. Is that wrong to feel that way? I understand that I am in no way perfect, but I am not to blame for everything. I have been doing better at not allowing him to affect my emotions and always realize when something is legitimately something that I need to fix, and what issues are indeed his. I'm not depressed and I know who i am, but i just don't see us making it past a year. I'm 29 and he is 30, so I think a big part is the fact that he is very immature and since his family background is not the best, maybe he doesn't really what normal is or maybe is doing what he saw growing up. I'm not sure, so any advice?

Apr 23, 2013
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Similar situation
by: Anonymous

Have been married for 11 years. My husband blames everything wrong in his life on me. I am lazy...I do nothing. He works from home and is always spying on me. I pick up the kids at 3pm and run with them and my job while they are at their activities 5 days a week for 7 hours a day. Then he expects me to be cleaning the house... making dinner every night for the 6 hours that they are in school. He works from home from 8am til 4pm. Then when I am off with the kids he expects me to still cook dinner! He starts to drink at 4pm so I cannot ever ask him to help with driving the kids or picking them up. He usually consumes 1/4 of a 750ml bottle of rye nightly. He is passed out on the couch by 10pm then when I get home he goes upstairs and locks himself in the bedroom. He never puts the kids to bed. Kids tiptoe around him every day. My daughter always asks why daddy doesn't love her or care. He treats her like me... I asked him to please help her with her homework tonight and he responded it was my job not his....go see your mother. He tries to get my son who is 8 against me all the time. Told my son tonight I am a lazy mom who does not care about him. I do EVERY thing for my kids! They are both in competitive dance and gymnastics so I am VERY committed to their lives...school and their sports. He could not care less. Last week he threatened me with going to a divorce lawyer to "get rid of me". Tonight he told me he was quitting his job tomorrow! Think he may have found out how financially screwed he will be in divorcing me! Now he is going to screw me with being unemployed. He is so negative every day to me and the kids. My daughter who is 10 cannot be in the same room with him she hates him so much.
Do I leave or stay? I am a stay at home mom w no income. I stay because I have financial support. But my kids are suffering and I have never felt this bad about myself ever! Was just diagnosed with clinical depression!

Apr 29, 2013
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Bad marriage.
by: Anonymous

My Husband is all of the above, He tells me to just listen and do what I'm told .Every time I ask him a question , he doesn't want to answer he claims that I'm challengeing him. It's all his way, I've been married to him for 18 yrs and I' m getting to old I have more years behind me then in front of me, My husband owns his own Business and money is power to him, he doesn't miss a chance to point out my flaws, I feel worthless, I wasn't like that before I met him, He has wore me down , he get's mad over the stupidest things, it's his way or the highway. He had me sign a prenup 4 days before the wedding,He loves to play mind games, It' s important that he be the centre of attraction . He is loud and and is a over talker so you can't get a word in edgewise. You are all younger than me. The advice I can give you is . Get out and enjoy your life. Don't wind up like me . When I leave I will be penniless . But Happy , money isn't everything,

Apr 29, 2013
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Emotionally abusive husband
by: Anonymous

Get out why you all can, don't wind up with regrets, when you are too old to do anything about it. I'm ready to leave a husband that is verbally abusive, Go while you can still enjoy life .I have more years in back of me then in front of me , but I want to be free of of this depressing Marriage, I wan't to feel alive again, I will be penniless when I leave , but I will be free! To do what I want , not watching everything I say for fear he will get mad, having to ask every time I want to buy something. My husband owns his own business , Money is no object but he keeps me asking permission for every thing I do. I wish you all good luck, This is no way to live.

Apr 30, 2013
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Emotional abusive relationship
by: Anonymous

Not all men have been sexually molested. Some come from broken homes or families who have never really showed them lots of love and attention. Some parents just don't show it which is wrong but its not always the way they were brought up.I know what it's like 2 be called names and being hurt inside that you just feel like giving up and, no matter how hard you try and communicate with your spouse, it feels like you are getting no where. It's like talking to a brick wall but deep down inside you still love him no matter what he says or does to you. Sometimes you hate him and sometimes you don't. It's hard to leave your spouse if you have kids with him and you have no job. You end up feeling trapped and you feel that you don't know who to turn to. It's hard, I know, but always remember that you are not alone. God is always with you no matter what. You might not think he is but he is with you right now, watching over you and he can hear your cries and your prayers. If your spouse isn't willing to change his ways or seek counselling, then the only thing you can do is seperate so he can open his eyes and see what he is loosing. Some spouses can be very controlling and demanding, that I know. They can never do no wrong but, in their eyes, you are always in the wrong. They even make you feel unloved. Some men will still have sexual intercourse with their wives and some men don't. Some men are not only emotionally abusive but are physically abusive. So always remember ladies, you are never alone. Never give up. Always try first, then, if you are getting nowhere, the best choice is to move on without him.

Feb 08, 2014
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My Husband
by: Amy

We've been married 46 years and my husband has never been physically abusive to me, he hasn't even said any foul words to me. But mentally he has been the worst. Right from the get go he has hated all sex, intimacy or relationship. I didn't know this when first married, but started to show on our wedding night. We had quicky sex and when done he went in the bathroom and threw up for hours. He got himself together and grabbed a blanket and slept the evening out on the hotel patio. He refused going on honey moon said he had to move. We got home after a horrible argument and he moved to our basement and later to a new garage with a loft heating and AC. He hasn't talked to me in years, won't even be outside in the yard when I'm out there. I have just lived alone like I was single. Two things I really regret is not leaving him and no family. I'm to old to care any more. I cry a lot.

May 24, 2014
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THE LORD WILL HELP
by: Anonymous

All these dear women are hurting badly. And their cases are examples of the effects selfishness and sin in marriages. Jesus says come to me all you that labour and are heavy laden, and i will give you rest. I pray that God will give all of you dear ones rest.
Please talk to the Lord, if you are not born again, hand over your lives to him. Then ask him sincerely what he wants you to do, he is faithful, he will guide you.
Also find good christian counsellors and get supportive care,
Thanks

Jun 01, 2014
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
by: Anonymous

These people are not Bipolar they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, my ex has this. No you are not too sensitive, you hit the nail on the head when you said, 'narcissist', i knew before i read to there, they are very abusive, selfish, take no responsibility, blame everyone else and have no empathy, they do not change, he will not change, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. Get out now, the only way is to love yourself more and have no contact with him.

Jun 11, 2014
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I thought for a second that I had wrote this.
by: Nikki

Hi sweetie, NO, you are not over sensitive, Period... My husband was on me all night so I haven't slept yet, my husband just said I am Bipolar, this is what promted me to look up this thread. I really thought I may have wrote this a long time ago until I read you have 2 children. I am here to tell you I've been w my husband for 22 yrs. he hasent worked all these yrs. and he shops does laundry and dishes, the only thing I don't do is cut our half acre lawn, which he complains about. He is like my horrible out of control teen that never listens and hates me. My son has Aspergers Syndrome and I've figured out by his anti social behavior, people who he speaks with love him though, that my husband has it also, or ASD autistic spectrum disorder, it's a little bit of this and that and yrs. ago they were just known as bad kids or they probably were drug users to medicate themselfs. My husband has feelings when he smokes pot, this is only once every 2 months I get to visit the loving person I was with 22 yrs. ago. Now he calls me stupid, junkie since I've had several surgerys and now there saying I have fybromyaliga but my husband says I take too much meds, I'm suffering from serving tables since I was 15 yrs. old. We have a land contract w his parents and he told me I'd lose everything if we divorce, he doesn't care what happens to me but what about our son??? He wants to keep him because he gets SSI, my husband doesn't pay one bill but has always had more money than me, I don't want to discuss how on here but I hate it and I've lost a lot due to his money making non job. He doesn't love me, he loves to hate me and watch me cry, I don't get how a man wouldn't or couldn't feel something when he breaks my heart and I'm crying, he has really NO compassion yet I stay, am I sick??? Maybe all the abuse before I met him just makes it ok to me, it doesn't feel ok but I'm here. Leave, I'm here to say my husband has gotten worse the older he gets, leave and meet your best friend and laugh and cry happy tears for once, pray for him then leave and live. I'll pray for us all. God Bless. Nikki

Jul 24, 2014
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Same boat and helpless
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 10months and been in a relationship with him for 7years before that. I don't have kids but I don't know how to handle this situation. I took so much loan for the wedding and am struggling to pay it back. And his parents and family are too nosy and piss me off. He however never bothers about my family, and now it's starting to piss me off.,, he never wants to have sex , if I initiate am always turned down and he initiates once in a month or 2... Most of the time he is busy texting his friends and browsing the net. He doesn't talk to me nor does he appreciate anything I do... I cook ,clean , work full time and study full time... He only studies full time.. And after much arguing he agreed to help with the dishes and groceries but now he makes tells me that I do nothing and am absolutely "useless" .. If I try to express my feelings I'm always wrong and cheap etc etc and it's always about what he feels..it's come to a point where he doesn't care anymore if I exist or not. I was sick last 2 days and he took care of me the first day to my shock and yesterday it was bck to usual! Making me feel like a burden and snapping at me. So I am not bothering him, I did however try to ask him what happened and why would he say things like what e did but he only snapped further and said that I am small minded for thinking such things and that he was only saying things to me and I misunderstood him..

Everytime I have sthg to say about his behaviour or ask what's te issue or if everything's ok he yells and screams and I don't respond well to that. I have a fear of loud voices and he knows that and Yells more making fun of me... I feel so helpless everyday and I don't know what todo... I really want someone who understands me and can lend a listening an understanding ear.. At the same time I want that person to be him... I really love him a lot but i feel he doesn't give a shit most of the time,,,

I have no friends and have no one who cares for me... I feel so lonely and lost...

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