I Have No Interest in Sex

by bonnie
(illinois)

I'm 43 and have been married for almost 8 years ... have been with my husband for 13 years. I love him, but yet I have absolutely no interest in having sex now for almost 3 years. It frustrates us both but I think it mainly infuriates him. I've tried to explain to him that it's common for women to lose interest in sex, yet he doesn't agree and thinks that I just don't want to have sex with him. I don't know what to do or how to get him to understand. Any help you can give would greatly be appreciated. Thanks.

Answer: Given the nature of your question, Carrie and I would like to respond separately.

Jim: A husband's need for sex will rarely be understood by his wife (and the wife's need for love and cherishing is, usually, equally a mystery to her husband). I'm not talking about the biological release in orgasm only--I'm referring to the emotional connection between the two of you that occurs in lovemaking. Frankly, it is difficult for men to grasp how a woman might not desire sex, seeing we men want it so badly! We wrongly assume that if you "you don't want sex" then you don't really love us, and obviously aren't interested in meeting our needs.

Now, meeting needs is a two-way street! If both husband and wife would recognize their partner's needs and would commit to meeting them--great things would happen! Your husband should provide lots of conversation, serve you, cherish you, and make you feel special. You, on the other hand, should be available sexually--make it a bigger priority in your relationship. I think the results would surprise you.

Carrie: From my perspective, not wanting sex and not needing sex is one thing--communicating that to your husband is quite another!

Personally, I usually don't want or need sex--at least I think and feel like I don't need it. But my husband does need it and by giving myself sexually, and making the experience as fun and mutually enjoyable as possible--I benefit more than I might first imagine. For example, my husband is happy and seems to more easily respond to me emotionally. As women, we tend to have our emotional tank filled through conversation, and feeling loved and cherished. Men, on the other hand, have their emotional tanks filled through sex with their wives.

The barrier you're experiencing is from a lack of understanding each other's needs. You both should sit down together, read articles and books to educate yourselves--and commit to meeting one another's needs!

Here are a few articles on our site that address this problem:
Lost Interest in Sex
No Interest in Sex

A really great resource we've put together that helps husbands and wives understand this, and then provides tools to help practice meeting one another's needs is our e-book "The 7-Day Sex Challenge". I would highly recommend you and your husband work through the ebook.

One more comment: Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about your lack of desire. He/she could help you determine if there is a medical reason you have no interest in sex. For example, perhaps a medication you are taking has this type of side effect.

Comments for I Have No Interest in Sex

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Sep 28, 2010
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
no interest in sex
by: Nat

married 43 years and 30 years without sex. Sex wasn't great from the start, I only did it to please my wife. I told her it was exciting but it wasn't. Then 13 years down the road and I couldn't perform any more. Doctor told me I had E/D and high blood pressure, also with age I developed other problems which didn't help my libido. The little blue pill did nothing for me it actually made me sick. I could have hugged my doctor but I'm not into that. Finally free of sex and intimacy! My wife was really upset and still is. I told her to buy a puppy or find a girl or boy friend to find companion ship. I told her thats life and I can't change that. We just live in the same house, she has the upstairs and I have the down stairs. We share nothing except the garage and laundry room..

Sep 29, 2010
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Response to Nat's comment
by: Anonymous

Dear Nat,

Wow, what an unhappy story...

We feel very sad for your wife. It is apparent that you are allowing yourself to be selfish and lazy--a terrible combination in any area--but devastating in a husband and wife relationship...

As a husband, you are bound by a vow to your wife, before God, to honor, love, and cherish. Your job is to meet all of her needs--her sexual needs included. There is no exemption clause in marriage vows! Your behavior and attitude is a sin.

Changing your mind, and coming to your wife in repentance and humility for your selfishness is the only way to start to rebuild your relationship. As we say, sex is only the tip of the iceberg--and so every area of your life is, no doubt, in shambles as well.

We challenge you to get to work and begin living for your wife for a change!

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie
www.the-intimate-couple.com

Dec 17, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
around in circles
by: Anonymous

My wife has always been the type to avoid intimacy. We have been married for a very long time, and I feel that I should have walked a long time ago. I feel that my youth has now gone, and so has the opportunity for real intimacy with a suitable partner. Have I wasted my time becuase I do enjoy sex and I have stayed faithful through many years of sexual frustration? My wife does not even like kissing. It has frustrated me on and off for many years as she goes through periods of intimacy and then long periods of non-intimacy. There seems to be no real rhyme or reason to any of it. I'm ready to walk as she is now going through menopause and it is getting worse and I am getting older. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dec 21, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
We're not married
by: Nat

Well! I'm back and things in our house have not changed. And I'm glad of that.
I don't owe my wife anything. It might be a sin but I'll live with that. To me our marriage is nothing any more. I'm not married to her any more. There is no love, honor and cherish. And I'm satisfied completely with that decision.
She can do what ever she wants. She can leave when ever she wants. I don't care if she has intimate boy or girl friends.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Q & A...Sex Problems.