I Have No Interest in Sex

by bonnie
(illinois)

I'm 43 and have been married for almost 8 years ... have been with my husband for 13 years. I love him, but yet I have absolutely no interest in having sex now for almost 3 years. It frustrates us both but I think it mainly infuriates him. I've tried to explain to him that it's common for women to lose interest in sex, yet he doesn't agree and thinks that I just don't want to have sex with him. I don't know what to do or how to get him to understand. Any help you can give would greatly be appreciated. Thanks.

Answer: Given the nature of your question, Carrie and I would like to respond separately.

Jim: A husband's need for sex will rarely be understood by his wife (and the wife's need for love and cherishing is, usually, equally a mystery to her husband). I'm not talking about the biological release in orgasm only--I'm referring to the emotional connection between the two of you that occurs in lovemaking. Frankly, it is difficult for men to grasp how a woman might not desire sex, seeing we men want it so badly! We wrongly assume that if you "you don't want sex" then you don't really love us, and obviously aren't interested in meeting our needs.

Now, meeting needs is a two-way street! If both husband and wife would recognize their partner's needs and would commit to meeting them--great things would happen! Your husband should provide lots of conversation, serve you, cherish you, and make you feel special. You, on the other hand, should be available sexually--make it a bigger priority in your relationship. I think the results would surprise you.

Carrie: From my perspective, not wanting sex and not needing sex is one thing--communicating that to your husband is quite another!

Personally, I usually don't want or need sex--at least I think and feel like I don't need it. But my husband does need it and by giving myself sexually, and making the experience as fun and mutually enjoyable as possible--I benefit more than I might first imagine. For example, my husband is happy and seems to more easily respond to me emotionally. As women, we tend to have our emotional tank filled through conversation, and feeling loved and cherished. Men, on the other hand, have their emotional tanks filled through sex with their wives.

The barrier you're experiencing is from a lack of understanding each other's needs. You both should sit down together, read articles and books to educate yourselves--and commit to meeting one another's needs!

Here are a few articles on our site that address this problem:
Lost Interest in Sex
No Interest in Sex

A really great resource we've put together that helps husbands and wives understand this, and then provides tools to help practice meeting one another's needs is our e-book "The 7-Day Sex Challenge". I would highly recommend you and your husband work through the ebook.

One more comment: Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about your lack of desire. He/she could help you determine if there is a medical reason you have no interest in sex. For example, perhaps a medication you are taking has this type of side effect.