Is She Cheating?

My wife and I have been married for 23 years and she is more intimate with herself than with me. I don't know what to do. I don't know if she is cheating or not.

Our Answer:

We're assuming, by your comment, that your wife is engaging in masturbation and that your sex life is not very healthy. In addition, you are obviously upset by the present scenario and are harbouring suspicions of your wife being unfaithful.

First of all, you're missing two of the key ingredients of intimacy in marriage: openness and communication. Please do not take the attitude that everything you see wrong is your wife's fault. A marriage is forged and shaped by both partners! It is time, however, to face your realities and devise a plan to change things and start to develop genuine intimacy in your relationship. It all starts with humility, openness and a good heart-to-heart talk.

A few thoughts taken from your comment:

  1. my wife and I have been married for 23 years: That's a long time! Give your wife some credit for staying in the relationship (which probably includes children) for so long despite all the obvious work, hardship, and disappointments that life will bring every one of us. You are still married. That in itself is something to be grateful for!


  2. she is more intimate with herself than with me: Your wife's masturbation probably indicates you are not meeting her emotional and sexual needs; and obviously yours are not being met either. This is a solid platform to begin your conversation.


  3. I dont know if she is cheating or not: It is impossible for us to have much of an opinion based on this solitary comment--accept that having this suspicion will drive you crazy! If there are no other signs, why would you think she is cheating?
You need to approach your wife and talk:
  1. Take ownership for things you know you are not doing well as a husband: Are you meeting her emotional needs? her sexual needs? her need to be cherished and loved sacrificially? If not--acknowledge your shortcomings and tell her you want to change, and do better to meet her needs.


  2. Indicate your desire to learn how to have the best marriage you can have! Read together the books:Love and Respect and His Needs, Her Needs (See our resource page) and set apart times in the week to sit down and discuss what you are learning.


  3. With your wife, start reading articles on our website together! You'll be surprised what will happen in your relationship when you make an effort to demonstrate your desire to see your wife fulfilled and loved! Believe us, it will have a great benefit for your relationship!


  4. Get the e-book: The Seven Day Sex Challenge This is a seven day course that will teach the basics of intimacy, and sexually recharge your marriage! It really works!

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