Is there such a thing as good Christian sex?

by Steve
(AR, USA)

Question (some explicit details have been omitted): I was on anti depressants for about the last 10 years, partly because of threats against my life and partly because of such extreme disappointment in sex with my wife of 29 years. We occasionally had sex, maybe once every 3 months or so.

After a bout of cancer I recently had, I had a frank discussion with my doctor about various health issues I was having. We did a simple test and found that I was SUPER critically low on testosterone. After 3 biweekly injections, my libido has gone through the roof. And the old disappointment with sex has reared it's ugly head again.

My wife was brought up by super strict parents, and like many such families, it only served to mask some severe dysfunctionality in the family. Before we were married she was passionate - in an appropriate way. We had open and frank discussions about sex before marriage and I was sure that everything was OK.

My wife is basically afraid of or disgusted about everything. She will barely touch me except for certain areas, (most) sensual areas ... are basically "off limits". Among other things, she is deathly afraid of and will completely avoid my semen.

I am passionate about pleasing her. She cannot have orgasm with intercourse so I am ALWAYS ALWAYS sure to please her using my hands. When we make love I always take my time to caress her, talk to her and describe how I love her and want to please her. I touch, kiss and caress her ... All this time she barely touches me. If I had an erection, I usually lose it. I love to ... make her orgasm and encourage her to orgasm again and again. I've learned to bring here to orgasm at least 3 times and as many as 10 times. All the while she lies there and enjoys it. Afterward I have her rest as I continue to kiss and caress her for a few minutes.

Then the inevitable happens. She asks me "what I want". The problem is she is NOT willing to do much of anything. After maybe a decade I convinced her to perform oral sex on me. She will do it but I can tell she does not like it. ... When I start to orgasm she stops ... she is completely grossed out (by semen) and immediately goes to wash ...

When we have intercourse I usually have to try and get my erection back - ... She will just lie there, she won't touch me anywhere or even talk to me. I finish up as soon as I can because I am quite frankly bored. She jumps up, wraps the towel, we were lying on and immediately goes to wash off.

Are all Christian women that afraid of semen? Do any of them really enjoy sex? Neither of us had other sex partners before marriage or since.

After I have dropped off my anti-depressants (on the doctor's advice as it was at odds with the testosterone injections), I have found myself more deeply disappointed especially since I am desiring sex several times a week. When we discuss sex, she praises me for my love making skills and is baffled when I even bring up issues with her performance.

What can I do to improve things? Is fear and loathing of semen normal for women? What can I righteously do in order to make it more pleasurable for me?

Our Answer:
We are sorry for all your troubles but want you to know that "yes!" there is such a thing as amazing Christian sex!

First of all, it seems you must have been quite frustrated when you sent us your question. As we read it, we noticed that you used a lot of extreme expressions (extreme disappointment, always, disgusted about everything, deathly afraid, super, everywhere, ...). Perhaps you need to just sit back and change your focus. It is easy to fixate on what you don't have--rather than focusing on what you do have!

For example, here are positive details we picked up from reading your question:

  • you and your wife still have sex

  • your wife is willing to perform oral sex (despite her aversion to semen!)

  • your wife is sexually satisfied by you

  • you love pleasing your wife
Steve, it seems to us that the best way to proceed forward is for you to back up somewhat and focus on developing intimacy (not just the sexual dimension, but also spiritual, intellectual, and emotional). We suggest you and your wife read articles and other resources together that will help develop intimacy and promote communication between you.

For starters, try the following articles:

Intimacy and Sex

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

In answer to your questions, it isn't uncommon for women to have a dislike for semen. Women also have varied levels of comfort when it comes to sexuality, talking during sex, touching, etc. When a woman, such as your wife, has grown up in a strict home environment, there is no doubt that her attitudes towards sex and lovemaking will be impacted. Though your wife is demonstrating aversion and fear towards the details of having sex, we don't doubt that she wants to be free from those inhibiting feelings.

Steve, be understanding of this. You can help her by lowering your expectations and reducing any pressure for her to perform. As well, there are excellent resources for women who need to gain a healthy level of sexual confidence with their husbands. We'd highly recommend Shannon Ethridge's book, The Sexually Confident Wife.

Check out the books, websites, etc. on our Marriage Resources website page for other helps.

For some women, coming to understand how men feel about sex is an awakening for them--because women are usually wired so differently. It is critical, though, that you get to the place where you both can talk freely about your sexual experiences together without fear of reprisal.

Steve, one practical tip we thought we'd mention is to use a condom during intercourse and oral sex so your wife doesn't have to worry about contact with semen.

So making sex more pleasurable for yourself will happen as you focus on developing intimacy between you and your wife. As well, as your wife becomes more confident and comfortable during sex, both of you will come to enjoy sex more!

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