My boyfriend can't get over my past what do i do now? :(

by Kleen
(Singapore)

Question: Sorry this is gonna be long. But I really need help. Please. And thanks. ;(

My boyfriend and I met in June 2010, and had feelings for each other. He went back to another country to continue his studies. We text everyday.

Things went on pretty steadily until August, two days before he came back, I went clubbing with a bunch of my friends after a lot of pestering. It was my first time going clubbing. I refused to drink at first but gave in in the end after my friends kept forcing me. After drinking a bit, under the influence of alcohol, I became unaware that I continued on drinking. In total, I drank about 3 small bottles of beer. There were 3 boys, and 5 girls including me. My friends and I went to the dance floor and I was never exposed to stuffs like this; therefore I just stuck with another girl friend and had our hands on each others' shoulders and swung around. We were never left alone, not even for one second. We didn't interact with any strangers. We went there merely for exposure's sake. After that, we went out of the club and I tripped and fell down. Therefore, two boy friends who had more strength had my arms over their shoulders and supported me up. To stand straight and to make sure I am standing already. Then, a boy friend of ours took out the camera & started talking pictures. Coincidences do happen, earlier on, he took a picture of me which looked like I was enjoying myself, dancing; and a picture of that two boy friends holding onto me. For both incidents which happened merely for seconds. Just my luck. He then posted it on his blog and my boyfriend saw it. My boyfriend was very disturbed & bothered by that fact but he kept it to himself. I was from a Christian family and I've never allowed physical contact with any other guys. Nothing happened that night. I did not do anything which I shouldn't. Besides going clubbing & consuming alcohol. (I admit fault for two of this. I terribly regretted.) I've sought my parents' permission before going clubbing & they allowed, for exposure's sake. They trust that I won't be like other girls out there who allow physical intimacy with guys. After this incident, in December, he asked me to be his girlfriend and of course, I agreed. Since we have already been going on steady for half a year. He's considered my first boyfriend. He's the first person I've cuddled with, kiss, and made love with. (Although it wasn't his first. Before he met me, he had 6 exs before and lost his first kiss & made out with them before. …)

Another incident was that, two weeks after we got together, we went to a resort with a bunch of friends and there was this guy who can't stop talking. It was in my nature to care for every single person. So, everytime that guy talked to me, I just responded. That guy was more or less an attention seeker(i think?). He kept sitting on the floor when more than 10 of us(mixture of girls and boys) were on the bed. I thought the floor was dirty so I kept asking him to go on the bed. At that time, I was on the bed, cuddling with my boyfriend. (He feels neglected but he didn't let me know. And I didn't notice too. I was considered never a girlfriend to anyone that's why I didn't know how to consider their feelings so much.) That same night, my boyfriend & I took another room connected to our friends' room & we made out in there on the bed. Our first making out session. My first. The following morning, I went over to the friends' room and saw that attention seeker guy sleeping on the floor because there were nowhere for him to sleep. Thus, I asked him to join me & my boyfriend in the other room. Boyfriend was still sleeping so I didn't move him, just slept in the middle. After a while, the guy was hungry and asked me to go for breakfast with him. I thought we could have a quick one and be back before boyfriend's awake. Before leaving, I text boyfriend and told him where I'm going, with who, and I'll be back shortly. Apparently I was a lousy girlfriend who didn't know how to consider his feelings. I didn't think he'd feel that bad bout it.

These two incidents, he could never forget them. He holds them against me since then until today. The clubbing incident disturbs him all the time as he feels that other guys must have touched me before during that night. But in fact, nobody did. I've explained to him what exactly happened that night but he still gets disturbed like once in two-three days.

Another thing is that, my mum is someone who doesn't mind exposing her cleavage when dressing. Naturally, I was brought up to be like her. Although I never deliberately expose, occasionally a little bit of my cleavage would appear. He never told me that he dislikes it until we were together for a few months. If he told me, I would have been cautious & alert and ensure I don't expose anything. I used to have a facebook profile picture which was cleavage-exposing and that time, he commented gorgeous on it. But now, he told me that he was actually disturbed & bothered. He keeps getting disturbed by the fact that other guys have seen it. Since he told me, I was alert & cautious in the sense of dressing already.

Tell me what should I do. The clubbing incident is the main concern. He gets disturbed over it everyday. I can tell that he loves me a lot & doesn't want to lose me. But he just gets disturbed all the time. I really don't know what else can I do. I don't want to lose him. Honestly, I've made love with him and as a Christian, virginity matters a lot to me. To me, he's already the only person I wanna marry. If we parted up, I wouldn't get a boyfriend anymore. I really don't know what else can I do. I love him a lot. Both our parents are supportive of our relationship. Next year, I'll be going over to where he is to pursue tertiary education. But if he still gets disturbed, it'd really be hell for me. Maybe we should part up? I don't know. I'm helpless. I really don't know if I should move over already.

Please give me advice.

Our Answer: In some of the statements you’ve made, it seems you are too dependent on your boyfriend emotionally. Before you can have a healthy marriage, both you and the young man must be healthy and happy individually!

The basis of any successful relationship is trust. It is apparent that your boyfriend has a hard time trusting you—and that is the reason for all his complaining about past episodes. It seems to us that it’s time to put the brakes on your relationship. We think it is wiser to stop it now before it’s too late.

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