my husband's neglect

by teddy
(sacramento ca.)

I have been married 13 years and have 3 kids. I am separated from my husband because of his neglect. I am very heartbroken because I love him and he loves me. I just have lots of resentment towards him because he would rather spend his free time with his friends than with us. I do everything myself with my kids. He makes no time with our children at all. Won’t even go with me to school functions. I feel like I'm a single mother because am always by myself. If that’s not enough, when I have confronted him angry he has become physically abusive. I can't forgive him for abusing me on Easter break. Feel like even if he is trying I can't let go of 13 years of neglect. I've tried to do communication therapy at home and he won’t go through with it. Now I am very irritable with him and feel I can't give no more to him. His coldness has driven us apart. I still want to fix my marriage but he shuts down and doesn't want to talk..he's the mad one. I want to forgive but I can't because he continues to neglect me over his friends and I feel like I only make the effort. I feel anger and jealousy when I see fathers with their kids in parks or at games or see husbands that are supportive at funerals or walking together. Should I try harder or should we take time apart? Please help me confused.

Our Answer:
The Bible teaches us that marriage is for life, for better or for worse. If divorce is an option in our minds--we will eventually take the path of least resistance and say, “There was no hope, so I quit.” The truth is that there is always hope to gain your dream marriage, and it is always too soon to quit trying!

That being said, cases of abuse must be dealt with seriously. We are not saying a wife should stay with her husband under those circumstances when he is repeatedly abusive: she needs to separate and get professional help.

We think it is time to have a frank talk with your husband: set aside a separate time and place from your regular routines and tasks, and ask him to meet with you to talk about your marriage. During this discussion:

  1. Express your desire to make your marriage work--for your mutual benefit and joy! Tell him you want to do whatever you can do to repair your relationship.

  2. Don’t blame him for everything: there are 2 sides to every story. Be humble and open enough to think there are ways you can also change yourself to make this marriage better.

  3. Consider that both of you have unmet needs. You have mentioned some of your unmet needs. Your marriage will improve when you both realize meeting each other’s needs works for restoring a marriage!

    Also consider that meeting your husband’s needs for respect, sex, and appreciation may radically improve things...

    The vast majority of women don’t understand that women tend to connect emotionally with their husbands through conversation, and feeling cherished. Men, on the other hand, tend to connect emotionally through sex.

  4. Understand that you’ll need outside help at this point. Ask your husband if he’d like to choose the person/ counselor/ mentor to help you navigate through this trouble.

    Even reading articles together from our website will be helpful--use the search button on each page to find topics of interest.
No doubt both of you are seeing your marriage from different view points. Try very hard to understand your husband’s perspective first--and then ask him to try to understand yours. Active listening like this is a wonderful skill to learn to develop your relationship.

Comments for my husband's neglect

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Oct 25, 2011
HOT marriage
by: Anonymous

nice...this blog is awesome fun edgy

May 24, 2014
Involving God is key
by: okoro nwenyi

For this kind of situation a lot of praying and openness before God is appropriate. Often when things get tangled like this, the work of the Lord on the hearts involved will produce results faster.
I will therefore add that this lady should get closer to Jesus in prayers and he will meet even the deepest needs of her heart

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