No Sex or Intimacy

(New Jersey)

My husband and I have not been intimate for a very long time... like 2 years or more. I have talked to him about this many times and he just says that he has no interest in sex. He tells me he loves me very much and I believe him. However, being a woman I do have certain needs. I really feel that this is a huge problem but he does not. He does not even seem interested enough to discuss our options. I am feeling very unloved, unwanted, as well as unattractive. So I am quite unhappy and need help. What can I do to get him to care?

Our Answer:
Your pain and disappointment must be very difficult to deal with; we are so sorry for your predicament! Yes, we agree, you have a significant problem in your marriage--but there is hope!

Honesty is always the best policy! However, it takes wisdom to convey that honesty to your husband in a way that works positively. It is important that you explain exactly how you feel. He says that he loves you very much... what about the following approach:

”Sweetheart, you said you loved me--is that really how you feel?

Loving me means you’re concerned about me--and you’re concerned about our relationship, our marriage. Loving me means you want to meet my deepest needs, and are willing to do whatever is necessary to save our marriage.

I feel unloved, uncared for, and unattractive because you don’t want to have sex with me. I need physical intimacy. It is my right as your wife.

Honestly, I wonder how long I can go on like this. In fact, I can’t keep on going, pretending nothing is wrong...”
We think that your husband needs to be shaken out of his laziness. We would also suggest you tell him you want to get marriage counselling to save your marriage.

If your husband tells you that he isn’t interested in sex, you need to find out why this is. Refer to answers we’ve written to other wives whose husbands were less interested in sex:

Husband less interested in sex...

Husband doesn’t want sex...

Husband too tired for sex...

Being direct and definitive is the only thing that will produce lasting, significant change. You and your husband need to start reading articles from the Intimate Couple website together--it covers all kinds of pertinent topics, and provides a non-threatening venue for discussion.


Jim and Carrie

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