Okay to talk about sex

(Nigeria)

I am having a relationship with a guy I love and the beauty is we both love and fear God and intend getting married next year.

We talk about everything but I want to know if its ok we talk about sex because whenever we do he gets an erection and he tells me about it. I don't want to hurt God, I want to be sure its ok we talk about sex now.

Our Answer:

God designed us to be sexual beings, and so, it is very natural that your fiance gets excited when you talk about sex; the potential problem would be if you two were kissing and "making out" and were tempted to go too far before marriage. Why not make sure you have your conversations about sex in public places? That way the temptation to go further will be much more difficult.

It's actually good and necessary for engaged couples to talk about sex when there is a purpose for the talk. That might include questions like some we've listed on our website for couples to ask one another before marriage... check out Questions to Ask Before Marriage.

Just be sure that you don't tempt one another by your conversation. In 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8, God warns us not to defraud one another. Defrauding is defined as stealing what is not rightfully yours or taking advantage of. We can defraud one another outside of marriage when we stimulate sexual desires in someone that we can't fulfill. Men often defraud by touching, caressing, and suggestive conversation. Women often defraud by how they dress and conduct themselves.

It's important that both of you have set boundaries in regards to your physical relationship, your conversation, and your mental thoughts. You don't want to move forward in your relationship carrying guilt.

Here are important steps for the two of you to take:

Make a commitment to purity. I Corinthians 7:1; I Thessalonians 4:3,7

Develop self control. I Thessalonians 4:4

Set apart your physical body for Christ's glory and honor. I Thessalonians 4:3-4

Guard your heart's desire and thoughts. 2 Corinthians 2:5

Set up boundaries regarding your behaviour: what you won't allow yourselves to do before marriage. For example, don't ever take your clothes off, or lie down on a bed or couch together...etc.

Ask another couple to be accountability partners for you. Make sure they know the boundaries you have set up to safeguard yourselves from "going too far", and make yourselves accountable to them!

Keep yourselves pure and you'll enjoy a guilt-free relationship!

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie