Pain During Sex

by Amelia
(Malaysia)

Question: My husband and I only have sex once or twice a week. Every time we have sex, he likes to insert his finger inside my vagina and touch my clitoris. I feel discomfort and pain and it’s hard for me to reach orgasm. How can I tell him without hurting his feelings? We already discuss it and he seems unhappy. He refuses to have sex with me. What should I do?

Our Answer: Your husband needs encouragement, and clear instructions by you as to what feels good to you. If anything is uncomfortable or hurts, it needs to stop. Sex should not be painful.

Perhaps the discomfort issue is because your boyfriend doesn’t take enough time on foreplay. We suggest that your husband starts foreplay with his clothes on, and spends lots of time kissing and caressing you. His focus must be on bringing you pleasure—slowly. Perhaps a full body massage would be a good way to start!

Usually sufficient foreplay brings enough lubrication to make things go more smoothly and less painful. If not, make sure you use a lot of lubrication.

One more note: your husband needs to make sure his fingernails are clean and trimmed!

In regards to his not wanting to have sex... Encourage him:
-tell him you like and want sex
-tell him all the ways he touches you that feel good (perhaps he is so focussed on the one way that doesn't feel good to you that he forgets that there are lots of other ways to touch you!)
-ask him how he would like to be touched by you
-try to "seduce" him! A husband would have a hard time resisting the persistent sexual advances of his wife!

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