Questions to Ask Your Partner

The most significant questions to ask your partner are those questions that encourage openness, foster understanding, and that ultimately promote intimacy. Take turns asking the list of 22 questions (see below) of one another but remember:

1. You've got to make sure you ask the questions in the proper setting. Be able to focus on listening to one another.
2. Answering these questions requires vulnerability from both you and your spouse. It is very important that you don’t "punish" your spouse for their honesty!

Asking probing questions can seem threatening! And so, it’s of the utmost importance that the reason for the questions is not to interrogate—but to understand. When we understand each other—we can better love each other!

Because intimacy has four areas (sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual), this list of questions will touch on all four of those areas.

Questions relating to spiritual intimacy:

1. Rank your spiritual life on a scale from 1 to 10. Tell me about it.
2. Does prayer have any place in your day-to-day life?
3. What challenges will we face if I consider myself spiritual, and you don’t?
4. Are you OK with us praying together every day?
5. If you knew God was real, and that He loved you—-how would your life change?

These relate to emotional intimacy:

1. How have I hurt you in the last few weeks by words, actions, or attitude?
2. Do you usually tell me the way you really feel?
3. Would you describe our openness and communication as totally transparent, or sometimes foggy?
4. Is there something in the past that you’ve never told me about because you’re too embarrassed or ashamed?
5. If you could go back and change one thing about your past, what would it be?

This set of questions relate to intellectual intimacy:

1. Do I dominate our conversations?
2. What is a dream or longing that you have?
3. Do you feel “safe enough” so that you can share anything with me, and I won’t judge you or look down on you?
4. Would you say you feel valued and understood when we’re having a disagreement? Do I dismiss your opinion, or do I make you feel opinion is valuable?
5. Are their specific times that I have ridiculed or made fun of your opinion?

Questions to ask your partner, relating to sexual intimacy:

1. How would you rate our sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
2. Why do you think it’s hard for us to openly talk about sex?
3. What can we do together to educate ourselves about sex? (Hint: read this site!)
4. Are you struggling with pornography?
5. Would you say that you are happy with our sex life?
6. Did you talk openly about sex and sexuality in your family growing up?
7. Do you think we’re carrying “emotional baggage” about sex because of our upbringing?

Want to improve your marriage? Then start asking questions—not to interrogate your spouse—but to understand them better and deepen intimacy!

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