Should I hold on to this relationship?

by T. B.
(Brooklyn, NY)

I have been with my child’s father for seven years and I want to get married. When I talk about marriage, he says "It's coming; don't pressure me." We both have stepped outside of our relationship seeing other people in the past. Since then, we both stayed with each other,but we have trust issues. What can we do to move forward, or should I let go and move on to someone else?

Our Answer:
From your question, we gather that:

  1. You have been living together as though married for 7 years, or so.

  2. You have a child together

  3. You have each dated others

  4. You don’t have complete trust in each other.
You have settled far below God’s wonderful plan for your life!

Raise your expectations and refuse to compromise your goals and ideals for marriage and relationships! Your boyfriend has little motivation to marry you--and why should he? There’s an expression, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

You are already giving him everything he wants--without him having to give you what marriage was designed to give to you--the feelings of being honored and cherished by a loving, committed husband! And, to be honest, the fact that you questioned, “Should I let go and move on to someone else?” indicates to us that you don’t really love him anyway.

Here is our advice:
  1. Seriously consider ending the relationship immediately. Trust is the foundation of all meaningful relationships: you don’t have any--most likely this relationship is over!

    You have already told him you want to get married--and he “put you off”.

    If, when you tell your boyfriend the relationship is over, he expresses grief for the loss of his relationship with you and wants to save the relationship and even commits by asking you to marry him, then start “dating” him again but do not live with him, and do not have sex with him before marriage!

    Be prepared for all kinds of pleading, promising, and then perhaps even anger from your boyfriend. Do not settle for anything less or there will be no real, lasting change!

  2. Purpose to never have sex with anyone before marriage. Of course, this may be difficult--but you must see yourself as someone very special--and you are in God’s eyes! Make the man who wants you realize that you will not cheapen yourself--sex is worth waiting for!

  3. Find a great church to attend. Your life, and the life of your son, needs to be based on principles from God’s Word, and the unconditional love of God and good people!

    Your actions indicate to us that you are not valuing yourself enough! You are too valuable and too wonderful in the eyes of God to lower yourself and your expectations! Expect Jesus to bring you your future husband (pray!), and don’t settle for less.

    Your son also deserves to be raised in a great, loving community of support. Church can provide that for you!
Keep us posted!

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