Suspect Homosexual Past

My husband was a bachelor for 44 yrs. and had several gay friends. He is not turned on by touching my body but only responds to complete satisfaction with fellatio and rare intercourse, only doggy style and loses erection with him on top position. Is my GUT feeling wrong? I am getting very little satisfaction and need to get some advice on this and not out and out accuse him. How to go about the conversation. He denies that a few of his past friends are homosexual, but it is very obvious. He dismisses the subject. I am not homophobic, but concerned about * years of this not changing.

Our Answer:
With what you’ve told us, we’d also agree with your hunch that perhaps he presently has, or has had, homosexual tendencies. There are a number of issues that you need to deal with:

• Honesty and Openness. It seems your husband may not have been completely honest with you; and it seems you’ve not been completely honest with him by not expressing your suspicions. Honesty can be difficult unless you feel you are in a “safe place”. Can you still love and accept your husband if your suspicions are found to be true? Accepting and loving him would not mean you would have to accept or agree with a homosexual lifestyle, of course.
  
  There is no easy way through this one. You must lovingly express your questions and concerns in a way that is non-judgmental and accepting of him.


• Your Lack of Satisfaction. Granted, this is the lesser of the two issues, but may be the best way to start to address the honesty issue. Obviously you are not sexually satisfied. Apparently, by your description of things, he is not satisfied either. Hence, the restrictive sexual activity he wants to engage in.

Perhaps the best way to begin talking is to say, “Our sex life doesn’t seem to be totally satisfying for either one of us. Let’s talk about it! I’m totally committed to you and to our marriage, but I don’t feel you’re being totally honest with me.”