This Couple has Challenges When it Comes to Kissing

I am well aware of how important kissing is in a relationship. The problem is that my wife is very averse to kissing - especially passionately. The primary factor in this is that she is very much a "control freak". She associates kissing with arousal and arousal with loss of self-control. (Once she is sexually aroused she has no problem with kissing.) This problem is many years old. In recent months, she has become much more willing to "work" on our relationship, including kissing. We even tried a graduated approach to this: we started with very short kisses and progressed each week (for six weeks) to longer kisses. This approach brought very limited changes, and currently we are back where we started.

What to do? What to do?

Our Answer:
First a few questions to ask your wife, and then a few suggestions of articles to read.

Before you pose these questions to your wife, you need to make sure that the atmosphere is right so that your wife doesn’t feel she’s being cross-examined!

  1. Ask your wife if she has ever been abused. We find it hard to conceive that aversion for kissing really comes from a control issue. More likely it stems from other things.

  2. Was she reared in a strict family that frowned on outward expressions of affection?

  3. Did you engage in pre-marital sexual activity, or perhaps even heavy petting that went too far? If so, your wife may be associating the guilt she experienced from those activities with your kissing now.

  4. Ask your wife what you, as her husband, might do to make the experience more satisfying? Is there a bad-breath, bad-taste issue she’s been embarrassed to mention? Is there something in the mechanics of your kiss that is difficult for her to handle? Are you too aggressive, when your wife just wants to enjoy sweet, slow, gentle kisses?
We suggest you and your wife read the following articles together, and use them as a platform for discussion. Please remember, the LAST thing you want to do is to make your wife feel inferior or criticized.
All the best to you!

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Feb 25, 2011
A followup
by: Anonymous

Sorry, but I'm not really sure how to post a follow up to this question. I am the person who posted it.

I neglected to post additional relevant details. When we were dating. She enjoyed kissing very much. She told me that I was a very good kisser.

Yes, she was abused previous to my meeting her. She still enjoyed kissing me.

Yes, she grew up in a family that was very repressed in regards to showing physical affection. She still enjoyed kissing me.

Yes, I'm sure that there are feelings of guilt associated with having "gone too far".

I will certainly read the suggested articles with my wife, if she consents to do so; though technique does not seem to be the problem.

Thanks for your help.

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