Vaginismus - Unconsummated marriage fear


(UK)

I was diagnosed with Vaginismus four months ago. I am on a waiting list for psychosexual counselling. I am due to be married in just over three weeks' time. My finace is very supportive and encouraging - he tells me there is no pressure for us to have sex straight away and that we can take it slowly (we've not had sex with each other before - he is a virgin, I am not).

I am worried about what our honeymoon will be like if we can't have sex due to my problem. I am also worried from a spiritual/theological standpoint: if our marriage is not consummated is it real? Is it valid? Will God consider that we are a married couple? I've not received too much teaching in this area and what I have received is hazy and seems to suggest that sex is an absolute must.

I don't know what has caused this problem and I'm very anxious to get it sorted but in the meantime what will it mean for our relationship in God's eyes?

Please help.

Our Answer:
First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Secondly, you're facing a challenge, but be encouraged that your problem will be resolved. Though we are not medical experts in regards to your condition, what we've researched indicates that many women who suffer from vaginismus are able to go through treatment and be cured. Have you visited this website? We think you and your fiance may find the information on this site helpful.

Now, in response to your questions:

  1. "I am worried about what our honeymoon will be like if we can't have sex due to my problem."

    Don't allow your "problem" to lower your expectation of a wonderful and exciting honeymoon! You and your fiance will just need to be creative in your honeymoon lovemaking. The two of you can engage in and enjoy a lot of kissing, foreplay, and sensual touch. We'd suggest you use manual stimulation or oral stimulation to bring one another to orgasm. (Note: we recognize not all couples are comfortable with oral sex...that's okay if you aren't.)


  2. "I am also worried from a spiritual/theological standpoint: if our marriage is not consummated, is it real? Is it valid? Will God consider that we are a married couple?"

    Certainly, sexual union/intercourse is part of a married couple's experience, but is that really what defines marriage? You and your fiance are committing yourselves to one another. You will make vows to another and before God on your wedding day. Your commitment and vows are significant. God recognizes that you and your fiance are entering into a marriage covenant with one another. It is this marriage covenant that the book of Ephesians refers to as a picture of the covenant relationship between Christ and the Church. We believe that God will consider you a married couple from your wedding day onwards.

    All that being said, God is gracious. He understands your situation and knows that though you aren't able to consummate marriage by intercourse, there will be a time when you and your new husband will have intercourse.

Comments for Vaginismus - Unconsummated marriage fear

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Nov 08, 2010
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Now fully cured!
by: Anonymous

Well I wrote that initial post many months ago and I'm pleased to report that after much prayer and counselling I am now fully cured and my husband and I have consummated our marriage.

Thank you to the website for your considered and supportive response.

The comment about having a nun's vagina however is not at all helpful! [Webmaster's note: The offensive comment posted by another person has been removed.] If the person who wrote that comment is a Christian I would invite you to search your heart and God's truth on the matter- your words are those of condemnation, not love and I would implore other Vaginismus sufferers to rebuke those words!!! I am living proof that those words are a LIE.

I knew then and am even more certain now that God's will was always to join my husband and I in sexual union and it's extremely unhelpful if people think they have the right to tell you what God's will is for your own life. Vaginismus can be overcome completely, take hope from my experience.

Nov 08, 2010
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Fully Cured !
by: Jim and Carrie

Dear Anonymous,

How wonderful! Praise the Lord! God is good! We are just thrilled that you and your husband can now enjoy the gift of sex together!

We totally agree with your response to the very inappropriate comment that was posted by another website visitor (which we have since removed).

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie
www.the-intimate-couple.com

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