Vaginismus - Unconsummated marriage fear

(UK)

I was diagnosed with Vaginismus four months ago. I am on a waiting list for psychosexual counselling. I am due to be married in just over three weeks' time. My finace is very supportive and encouraging - he tells me there is no pressure for us to have sex straight away and that we can take it slowly (we've not had sex with each other before - he is a virgin, I am not).

I am worried about what our honeymoon will be like if we can't have sex due to my problem. I am also worried from a spiritual/theological standpoint: if our marriage is not consummated is it real? Is it valid? Will God consider that we are a married couple? I've not received too much teaching in this area and what I have received is hazy and seems to suggest that sex is an absolute must.

I don't know what has caused this problem and I'm very anxious to get it sorted but in the meantime what will it mean for our relationship in God's eyes?

Please help.

Our Answer:
First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Secondly, you're facing a challenge, but be encouraged that your problem will be resolved. Though we are not medical experts in regards to your condition, what we've researched indicates that many women who suffer from vaginismus are able to go through treatment and be cured. Have you visited this website? We think you and your fiance may find the information on this site helpful.

Now, in response to your questions:

1. "I am worried about what our honeymoon will be like if we can't have sex due to my problem."
   
   Don't allow your "problem" to lower your expectation of a wonderful and exciting honeymoon! You and your fiance will just need to be creative in your honeymoon lovemaking. The two of you can engage in and enjoy a lot of kissing, foreplay, and sensual touch. We'd suggest you use manual stimulation or oral stimulation to bring one another to orgasm. (Note: we recognize not all couples are comfortable with oral sex...that's okay if you aren't.)



2. "I am also worried from a spiritual/theological standpoint: if our marriage is not consummated, is it real? Is it valid? Will God consider that we are a married couple?"
   
   Certainly, sexual union/intercourse is part of a married couple's experience, but is that really what defines marriage? You and your fiance are committing yourselves to one another. You will make vows to another and before God on your wedding day. Your commitment and vows are significant. God recognizes that you and your fiance are entering into a marriage covenant with one another. It is this marriage covenant that the book of Ephesians refers to as a picture of the covenant relationship between Christ and the Church. We believe that God will consider you a married couple from your wedding day onwards.
   
   Here is an article about the definition of marriage that you might find helpful to read.
   
   All that being said, God is gracious. He understands your situation and knows that though you aren't able to consummate marriage by intercourse, there will be a time when you and your new husband will have intercourse.