What is acceptable in the bedroom?

by Arik
(Texas)

My wife and I have been happily married for over 10 years and have enjoyed sexual union on a regular basis. Both of us were virgins when we met so we had no previous sexual experiences (good or bad) prior to our marriage. The problem that we're facing is that my wife only feels comfortable with the standard missionary position where I'm on top of her. She thinks that any other position, especially rear entry is dirty and unacceptable. She also thinks oral sex is dirty and won't do it. For all those years I submitted to her and stuck with this one position but lately I've noticed that I'm losing sexual interest because I'm simply getting bored with this one position. So I asked my wife if we could try something different. She was very unhappy with my suggestion but finally agreed to try a different position. I was extremely satisfied with our sexual union and feel that my arousal and attraction to her has increased tenfold (I feel like having sex every day now!) My wife on the other hand is really mad at me now and refuses to let me even touch her. What should I do? Did I cross the line by asking her do something she's not comfortable with or should my wife be willing to experiment with other positions to satisfy my sexual needs. I wanted to add that before we tried the new position we had sex the way she likes it and she got two orgasms. Only then did we try a the new position, after she was already relaxed and satisfied. Also, we did not engage in anal or oral sex. I really appreciate your advice.

Our Answer:

We can't help but think there are contributing factors that are complicating your sexual experiences with your wife. Her response of anger to your suggestion of a different sexual position seems out of place--what is the reason?

We refer to intimacy being like an iceberg--what is above the surface is only 10% of the entire structure. The "important part" is below the surface! (Check out the entire article: Intimacy and Sex). Sexual intimacy is like the tip of the iceberg above the surface. If you want the best possible sexual experience (and who doesn't?!) you must focus on what is "below the surface": emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy.

Frequently a wife's apparent resistance to sex is because of a husband's neglect of the "below the surface" intimacy issues. Remember, a man's focus tends to be on meeting his primary need for sex; a woman's primary need isn't always sex--it is intimacy! Many husbands are perplexed because of their wives' apparent resistance to sex--the truth is that husbands tend to forget to focus on their wives' needs first!

Here are a few suggestions: the best advice we can give without knowing more details:

  1. Make pleasing your wife your new goal! Tell her you want to be a better husband. Help with household chores, go overboard in your praise and affirmation of her, and begin the process of dating her all over again! When you talk about sex (and you have to!) tell your wife that your goal is to please her. Ask her for suggestions, and spend a long time (a very long time) on foreplay. A wife naturally responds to a husband--and by focusing on being less selfish in your lovemaking (and in life in general), you will find a much more responsive wife.


  2. Begin reading articles from our website together with your wife. Explain to her that your goal is to be the best husband you can be--and to make her as happy as she can possibly be! You are going to need help--and she is the best one to help you change--and so reading and learning together from the website is a great way to start the process! Make sure you don't tell her she needs to change--you have to focus only on you! By focusing on yourself only (as Jesus taught us in Matthew 7:3-4), you aren't blaming your wife, but taking full personal responsibility.

  3. Read through our answer to a question we received that is very similar to yours. You can find it by clicking here.

Believe us when we say, these suggestions will work!

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