Wife doesn't talk about sex with me
Question: Hi. I am a solider with the US Army currently deployed to Afghanistan. Of course, I am away from my wife for a year so sexually it can get pretty depressing often. When trying to talk sexy to my wife or try to get a web cam set up to look at one another she avoids and says she doesn't feel comfortable. Sometimes she just completely ignores what I have told her and changes the subject instantly.
So my question is this: How do I respond? For me the problem is do I just not say anything sexually at all and keep just how she likes it and keep my feelings and desires to myself or should there be some sort of compromise because when I do bring it up she gets upset? What do I do? How do I respond in a loving respectful way?
Our Answer: We are sorry you’re in a tough spot!
We suggest you share this answer to your wife, and hopefully there can be a shift in her mindset. The important thing here for you, though, is that you maintain a positive attitude, regardless of how she may respond: forcing (or trying to force) your way will damage trust--and then intimacy--and have very bad long-term affects on your relationship.
Many wives suffer from a lack of sexual confidence, often stemming from personal feelings of inadequacy (which we all suffer from!), or deeply held thoughts that somehow sex is bad (again, many of us may struggle with this--sometimes resulting from guilt from past moral failures). Carrie has addressed this extensively in an article, entitled, Sexual Confidence for Women.
In this “long-distant” relationship as husband and wife, so long as you are only focusing on each other, there is nothing wrong from a biblical, Christian point of view with using a web cam, talking sexy, or anything else you can do to help satisfy each other sexually. For couples who wonder what is OK? regarding sexual practices, we suggest reading the following article, which outlines biblical standards and principles: What’s Okay?
In addition, we’d like to get you and your wife to read another couple’s story...with the husband in Iraq, he sent his wife a “sexy gift” she thought was totally inappropriate! She felt he was falling into sinful habits related to porn use in the past. Your scenario is very different, but many principles are the same! Click here to read that couple’s story.