withholding sex from your husband

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withholding sex from your husband

Should a Christian wife withhold sex until her husband does something she wants him to do, and after he does that task, she will have sex with him?

Our Answer:
What makes us think this is the husband talking!?

Sex should never be used as a bargaining tool, withheld as a punishment, given only as a reward, or used as a tool of manipulation.

That being said, however, it would be foolish to think that a husband's actions would not affect a wife's desire to please her husband sexually. When a husband is selfish, and ignorant of his wife's needs and desires, her motivation to please him may be nil. During times like this, it would be wise to take to heart the Bible's reminder, when a husband "loves his wife, he loves himself!"

In essence, attitude is everything! If a husband has an attitude of sacrificial giving and service toward his wife and, in turn, his wife has an attitude of honouring and respecting her husband, then sex between them will focus on pleasing the "other".

We happen to believe that the husband is most often the key to success in many marriages. By this we mean when a husband takes his place in the relationship as the leader who will extend self-sacrificial love to his bride, then his wife will respond to his lead with greater physical enthusiasm when she knows she is cherished and valued.

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withholding sex from your husband

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May 18, 2010
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Amen to That
by: Anonymous

Amen to that.

Aug 09, 2010
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Stop the male bashing
by: Anonymous

Women seem incapable of admitting that sinful behavior within a marriage by the wife can occur without provocation by the husband. Note the tone of this article...it's all predicated on the assumption that the husband is at fault somehow. If only he'd do this or that, sweet little suzy homemaker would fall in line and be the submissive little Proverbs 31 wife she wants to be, but simply can't because of the insensitive, ungodly, thoughtless, spiritually lacking pagan husband of hers. This kind of narrow mindedness is prevalent in churches today. (When was the last time you heard a preacher take women to task for not fulfilling their obligations in a marriage?). No, some women are mean and vindictive like my wife. She claims to be a Christian, but has insisted on no physical contact and separate bedrooms for the last 15 years. She waited until we got married to tell me about all her sexual hangups. And to top it all off, she says this shouldn't bother me since men don't have needs, just desires, thereby making the fulfillment of them by the wife something optional. And according to my wife, it shouldn't bother me that we sleep separately, because "I'm asleep!". I'm convinced she's being used by Satan to destroy our marriage, and she has. And when Paul told spouses not to withhold sex from each other, it was a command, not some suggestion that was conditional on the wife going through her checklist and concluding that her husband's behavior met her holier than thou criteria before she submitted.

Aug 10, 2010
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Male Bashing?
by: Jim and Carrie

Male Bashing?

Perhaps we are guilty as charged!

Yes, in what is usually a short question or comment we might assume too much and begin by putting emphasis on the husband and his key role of leading in the relationship--and that means him doing the hard things first.

Our answer may seem stereotypical--because it is just that, typical. That being said, we acknowledge that many husbands are "saints", and the wife needs major adjustment. Nevertheless, the role of the husband to love like Christ loved doesn't change.

Remember, when sex is withheld, nothing good happens in a marriage! Make sure you do your utmost to get good Christian counselling.

Dec 11, 2010
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I love him but......
by: Anonymous

He says working out would help, but he doesn't have time. He is usually too busy running around for everyone else at church. I thought that you were supposed to take care of home first! I am not happy with just one "great" time a week.

Feb 18, 2011
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15-years is enough !
by: Frank

I have endured the past 15yrs. (of a 25yr.marriage), in virtually a non-touching and non-sexual environment. I even came home from a sales trip to find our Love Sofa, had been discard and replaced with two individual recliners with a table in between. I respected her initial attitude of "No Sex" because of her change in life, then having to put her Dad in nursing home, her Mom coming to live with us, daughter being married, job change. However later when I approached her about "Getting our love relationship back on track", she "Poo-Poo'd" it as, "Get real Frank.....that stuff really isn't that important for people our age" (72/65).
We've gone to counseling (Christian and others) with no success. She's told me several times, "If what you want is to chase the young ones then I suggest you get your things and boogy on down the road; I don't like the idea of divorce but I'm sure I could survive it."
She does not like to be touched, no hand-holding, no caressing, a kiss from her is "just a peck", and considers my cuddling up with her at nite as being "Paw'd or groped".
I'm seriously considering divorce but that will go against St.Paul's teachings....at least the way I read and under it. To her that would not make a difference....she considers most bibical teachings to be "Male oriented" . I tried to explain St.Paul's message but she ended listening to me with, "It's MY body and no-one is going to tell me what to do with it!"

The other thing...I've been reading an interesting book, "No More Christian Nice Guy". Makes lot of sense. I agree with the author in that pastors tread too lightly on confronting their female congregations on faults and sins. I've seen man after man come forward and give testimony about being addicted to porn, alcohol, infidelity, gambling.....but can not remember any female members have come forward to testify in public as the men are compelled to do.
Seriously, we know women are guilty of the same.

So, where do I go with that first issue?

Thanks for listening!

Frank

Feb 24, 2011
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UnGodly Action ?
by: Frank

Would a wife's action/attitude be considered "UnGodly" if she refuses/rejects sex because she is no longer interested or enjoys it?

Feb 24, 2011
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...to Frank
by: Jim & Carrie

Dear Frank,

We?re very sorry for your situation, and for all you?re going through...

From our point of view, the marriage vows are ?until death do us part... for better and for worse? Unfortunately, you?re in the ?for worse? part of things right now.

We believe that God?s love does change people--and that your wife needs a good dose of God?s love. We think your situation is like that of Joseph in the Bible when he was thrown by his brothers into the pit, only to be sold into slavery in Egypt. This was, without a doubt, the worst thing that ever happened to him! The worst thing, though, also became the best thing that ever happened to him--because it led him to Egypt, where God would change his life!

Frank, you are in a situation where God?s love is needed to transform your wife--and that love is best delivered through you! Ephesians 5 speaks of how a husband is to give his life for his wife, as Jesus did for the church. That means sacrificial, unconditional love. You will have opportunities every day to demonstrate Jesus? love to your wife and prove to her that your love is pure and not self-motivated.

Wives are hard-wired with a capacity to respond. Obviously, it seems that everything is going the wrong way; is it possible that it?s time to simply love?

Your wife needs to be cherished, valued, and loved--that is your job. Become a master at delivering these things to your wife. We believe your love expressed through your attitude and actions will win your wife over to you! Start doing the kinds of things you did when you were courting and wooing your wife.

We will be sure to pray for you to experience God?s grace throughout the disappointments and frustrations in your marriage.

Sincerely,

Jim and Carrie

PS. We just saw your question "ungodly action?". Yes, a wife's refusal/rejection of sex is ungodly... but it wouldn't be good for you to tell her that! Remember Jesus' word about not pointing out the fault of another person when we have our own faults! Matthew 7:2

Nov 08, 2011
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Let's be honest
by: Anonymous

I have been a minister of the gospel for 17 years and a pastor for six, and I must say that there has been a bit of an imbalance in the church concerning sex in the Christian marriage. The men are often presumed guilty until proven innocent when issues arise. The truth is many women use sex as manipulation or it is so low on their priority list that it is infrequent at best. If you ask 100 men, would you rather have sex with your wife 5 times as often out of obligation, or just a little bit more, but know that she desires you sexually 90 percent would choose the latter. Men have a need to be desired by their wives, when they don�t feel their wife desires them it drains them emotionally and inhibits their ambition. Wives if you want your husband to be more of what you desire in a man, affirm him (stroke the ego), and let him know you desire him. Remember for all the things you want from him he only wants two; to be affirmed and to be sexually desired. If you do this you will see a great change in him.

Nov 08, 2011
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REFERENCE TO:Feb.18,2011
by: Frank

In addition to her non-intimate, non-sexual attitude, she has also engage in what may be known as, "Financial Infidelity". There is such a thing when a spouse spends, hides expenditures which put the entire marriage in danger.
We have made agreements that over a certain amount of expenditure we make a joint decision....but while she expects me to comply she just spends and I find out about it when it comes through bank account. We need to make repairs to house, replace hot-water heater, air conditioner unit....but she spends it before I have a chance.

I'm at a loss. Sorry !

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Jim & Carrie, Josh & Sarah: The-Intimate-Couple.com Team!

withholding sex from your husband

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withholding sex from your husband